May is mental health awareness month. I didn't know this when I thought about doing a blog series on Christianity and mental health. I decided to do this because I do struggle with mental health while being a Christian. I've hidden it, denied it. lied about it, blamed others for it, blamed me, and yes, I've even blamed God for it. I take my medicine, I pray for it to go away and I've even attempted things like banging my head against a wall to reverse it.
While praying and taking my medication helps, I cannot deny any longer that I do struggle with mental health and have for most of my life.
I have Cerebral Palsy caused by being strangled by the umbilical cord during birth. A lack of oxygen damaged my Cerebral Cortex, which not only controls my muscles but also my emotions. I tend to get overly emotional over most things. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder:
Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, is a mental illness that brings severe high and low moods and changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior. ... You can think of the highs and the lows as two "poles" of mood, which is why it's called "bipolar" disorder
https://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/mental-health-bipolar-disorder
One thing that I struggle with most is the fear of not being able to take care of myself. I'm not really afraid of being alone, but as far as being able to take care of my physical and finances, I'll probably never be too. I know that I do have people who will take care of me. It's a control thing. I never considered myself a "control freak", but looking back on my life, I can see where I was (am) a control freak. Whether or not I can always control my emotions, when I don't take the time to breathe and pray, I'm going to go overboard every time. However, when I take the time to breathe and pray, I can usually lessen the blow and the time that I am upset. Unfortunately, I don't stop and do this as often as I should.
Trying to control something that is impossible to control is insane. Albert Einstein is credited with saying; "The definition of insanity of doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. I guess I keep expecting if I continue to have a negative reaction to a situation then it will result in a positive reaction. Logically, I know that this scenario will never work out, but in my warped mind, I see it working as the perfect solution.
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