Mental Health ~ Sleepy

 

Before I go any further, I owe my Mama a HUGE apology for all those times I wouldn't let her sleep!!!

I love to sleep; like I could sleep 24/7...REALLY!

The medicine I take for Bi-Polar.  They make me sleepy.

Friends and family are quick to ask/say.  "You should stop taking so much medicine."

Are YOU MY doctor???

Truth is, I do take a lot of medicine.  It helps me cope and not go too far off the deep end.

Not everyone with mental illness can be treated the same way:  Some people are helped with meds, some are helped with counseling and some people need both.  I have a chemical imbalance.  So, while talking is good; I do need the medication to stabilize me.  

So, it's a trade-off.  Do I want to be stable or do I want to sleep a lot?

UHM, I think I'll choose...SLEEP!!!

Mental Health Mondays: My Definition of My Mental Health

 

Photo by PNGTREE

According to the  Mayo Clinic

Mental health is the overall wellness of how you think, regulate your feelings and behave. Sometimes people experience a significant disturbance in this mental functioning. A mental disorder may be present when patterns or changes in thinking, feeling or behaving cause distress or disrupt a person's ability to function. A mental health disorder may affect how well you:

• Maintain personal or family relationships
• Function in social settings
• Perform at work or school
• Learn at a level expected for your age and intelligence
• Participate in other important activities

Cultural norms and social expectations also play a role in defining mental health disorders. There is no standard measure across cultures to determine whether a behavior is normal or when it becomes disruptive. What might be normal in one society may be a cause for concern in another.

That being said, I think most people have their own idea of what mental health is.  Now I'm not saying that a diagnosis isn't important; it is VERY  important!!! However, each mental illness affects the patient differently.  I am Bi-Polar, and my sister (this is just an example) is also Bi-Polar.  I get depressed and manic to the point of crying, yelling, and pulling my hair out.  She goes on a wild girl's night out one night;  she's bouncing off the walls and the start of the night and crying (to the point of sobbing) into her beer at the end of the night. Her symptoms occur for 2 or 3 days a month, whereas mine occurs for a couple of weeks a month.

Ok, this example is a bit extreme, but you get my drift...

The point is, I know what my mental illness is.  I don't why  I'm  Bi-Polar or why I react the way I do when  I have a  Bi-Polar episode, but I know what it means to me.

This is also true about my Cerebral Palsy.  I don't why it happen or why my body reacts to the CP, but I know my definition of what CP means to me.

It is very important to be aware of any illnesses we have.

. 

Mental Health and God

 

• Photo by Favpng

It is hard to be a Christain AND have a mental illness.

When I was younger (and even now) people would tell me that if my faith were greater or if I prayed more I wouldn't be disabled (or God would take my disability away)/\.

This is, by the way, an AWFUL thing to say to someone!!!

I do think that if I was a better person, a better Christian, a better wife, a better mother, a better friend, a better...a better...a better...

Then I wouldn't have a mental illness!!!

Am I being punished????

The more I spiral into my mental illness I go, the more askew my view of God becomes.

It reigns from guilt to blame to acceptance to hatred to love and back again.

The circle of... insanity.

There are days when it takes every fiber in my body not to do something I can't take back.

I know this thinking is irrational and self-centered and is totally selfish because there are people who are truly irrational and self-centered; those who truly NEED help.

Somehow, in my opinion, we either think we are more deserving than others or we think we are less deserving than others.  

I tend to think I am less deserving than others.

(Some people say that this in itself makes me self-centered.)

Sometimes I wonder if GOD only gives us so many chances in this life, and I've reached my limit.

Mental Health Mondays: Aftermath

 

Photo by Clipart Library

Happy New Year!

The holidays are officially behind us and unfortunately, I suffered some mental episodes.  I am highly embarrassed by this. 

One of the things about my mental illness is that I truly believe that these episodes will never happen again.  I try to convince others of this too.

You can only promise people something so many times before they stop believing you.

It's not so much they stop believing you as it is the fact that they stop getting their hopes up that you will change.

They are protecting themself from getting hurt again. (I truly never realized this before I wrote this sentence.)

People have a hard time understanding themselves, let alone understanding others.

Sometimes, most times, I see where others are trying to protect themselves as them rejecting me.

This is when I need to run, lock myself in my prayer closet and stay there until GOD has strengthened me again.

Be patient for my next blog, I may be in there for a while.😊🥺

Mental Health Monday: How Isolation is Affected By A Disablity

 

Photo by pixy.org

So, I have COVID again.  I think this is the 3rd time.

I have talked about isolation elsewhere in my blog.  I've heard on the news that experts haven't yet seen how COVID and isolation have and will affect people's mental illness

However, I can talk about my Cerebral Palsy and the isolation that goes along with it.

I think anything that causes you to feel different than others can cause you to feel isolated.

Thus many, probably most of us, feel isolated now and then.

Isolation is lonely.  It's like being stuck on an iceberg,  surrounded by islands.  You know others are there, but you can't get to them.

Remember that feeling as a kid of being picked last (or never) for dodgeball?

Even though I know many disabled people, many people with CP, in my own warped thinking, I think nobody can understand how I feel.

People may call us selfish, but when we are in the thick of their situation, we don't know how we would react.

I think there is a difference between feeling a natural genuine reaction to a problem and feeling sorry for yourself and entitled to something.

Even more than that, I think we need to have compassion for those who feel isolated.  We need to be able to look with love at people and see that they're hurting; not judge them because they're hurting.

So, as we're considering what mental illness looks like in a posted COVID world, and its isolation, we need to be gentle and caring, remembering that we are sailing in uncharted waters.

Mental Health Monday: Preparing for the Holidays

 

 

Photo By PNG EGG

Ready or not; like it or not -

THE HOLIDAYS ARE UPON US!!!

The holidays are unique and bring up different emotions for everyone.

We are told that we are supposed to feel thankful and happy during this time of year.  However, for many people, especially those who have mental health issues, the holidays can be a time of dread and pain.

It would be easy for me to sit here and write that if people focused on the right things - the reason for the season, if you may - then they wouldn't have those feelings.

But I can't, because I feel the same way.

We can build our expectations to levels that can never be matched, so it is no wonder many of us can fall into despair when they aren't met.

So, what do we do to combat these feelings?

During the next few weeks, I'll be writing about ideas and ways to deal with mental health and the holidays.

Thursday is thanksgiving.  Sometimes it can be hard to pinpoint ANYTHING to be thankful for.  My Mama always says that we can always find someone worse off than us if we just look hard enough.

Great advice; doesn't always work though.

Start off by being thankful for your next breath, then the next, and the next.

You can't get out of the dak if your next step isn't illuminated.

***Many people believe the suicide rate goes up during the holidays.  However, according to the Centers for Disease Control (OCD), December has the lowest suicide rate.***

Mental Health Monday: The Demons and the Pigs

 

Luke 8:26--39 tells us the beloved story of the man who lived in the tombs because he was possessed by a legion of demons and JESUS drove them into a herd of pigs who jumped off the cliff and drowned in the lake.

Now people have several opinions of the occurrence:

     -Some people say this story is clearly saying that this man is  demon-possessed, and does not have a mental illness.

    -Some people believe that this man does have a mental illness.

    -Some people don't believe in mental illness; and that mental illness is definitely not talked about in the Bible - which it is, BTW.

    -Some people think that sin causes mental illness.

    -Some people recognize mental illness as a true medical issue, and that has nothing to do with sin. (*Side note~some sins does lead to medical & other problems*)

 Regardless, of what you believe, JESUS healed this man of his demons.

And HE can heal people who have a mental illness.

However, HE doesn't always heal people. 

Many people stop believing in JESUS if they aren't healed.

    -Some people say you're not healed because your faith  isn't strong enough.

Sometimes, JESUS uses our mental health as part of our ministry

In Luke 8:28 we learn that demon-possessed man asked; "What do you want with me, JESUS, SON of the most High GOD?  I beg you don't torture me"

Are we asking GOD what HE wants from us; what HE wants from me?

Now, I know that HE doesn't "need" anything from me EVER!!!

I do owe HIM my love and respect; whether HE ever heals me or not.  I may end up being crazier than a betsy bug, so I ask that someone please remind me to praise GOD when  I can't remember to.

Mental Health Monday: The Cost of Mental Health

 

Photo by Clip Art Library

According to MedCityNews,  in the USA, the behavioral health market is valued at $90.5  billion in 2022 and Precedence Research predicts the cost of mental health to grow in excess of $130 billion in 2027.

But there is a greater cost to mental health.

On that is closer to the heart...The personal cost...The cost pulls at the heartstrings,  not just the purse strings.

For me. the greatest cost of my mental health has been my. relationships with others.

Some relationships can never be repaired.

Words are like a tube of toothpaste; once they come out, they can't go back in again.

"I'm sorry" is like salt that loses its flavor; it's useless.

Sometimes, I don't know where my mental health ends and where my selflessness begins.

What has your mental health cost you?

Mental Health Mondays: My Alter- Ego Name

 

 Photo by Online Web Fonts

My Alter Name Is:

AELLA SAUDADE

meaning

WHIRLWIND IN THE DEEP SOUL OF RENDING SADNESS

These Names Were Chosen By My Mama

Mental Health Mondays: Letter to My Bipolar

Photo by Needpix

 

To my Bipolar, (also known as Manic Depression);

I HATE you!!!

Actually, that's not true:

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE being MANIC!!!

It's a high: I feel like I can do ANYTHING!!!

It's like being the Tasmanian Devil.  I'm running in circles and I'm bouncing off walls.  My mind is racing, I'm talking at top speed and am even more comprehendible than normal.

BUT...

Isaac Newton said that "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction." He also said, "What goes up must come down."

For me, depression is much worse and occurs much more often than mania.  I think a lot of this is due to how Cerebral Palsy effects my body.  It zaps my energy and exhausts me.  Most of my life is lived in slow motion and it feels like I'm constantly chasing after something that I will never, never be able to catch.

In addition to depression, I also struggle with other emotions and have emotional outbursts;

This leads to shame and guilt;

Which leads to hearing my inner voices;

Leading to self-harm;

Leading, leading, leading down the rabbit hole.

Until SMACK

You hit rock bottom and once you climb back out of the rabbit hole...

The cycle starts all over again.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Mental Health Mondays -My Shame

Photo by Kissclipart

 

 The term "mental illness" holds a negative perceptions.  It is a lot better than it was 20 years ago,  but progress is still on the horizon..  I have been coping with mental illness for as long as I can remember - long before I was diagnosed  as Bi-polar.  There are things  I did that may have been cause by my Bi-polar, but I will still be held accountable for my actions.  There have been things I could have said and done better.

We need to bring an informational spark when we talk about mental health.  For one, the term "crazy" is thrown around way too much, and I am the first one to call myself "crazy".

People are made to feel guilty about their disabilities; especially their mental issues. I can only speak for myself, but I hate to disappoint others and feel like a burden to them.  I feel like I did something to deserve to be  disabled; like I had done something terribly wrong.

I know that  I had NOTHING to do with becoming disabled.

Why/ how can I feel guilty about something I had nothing to do with.

I am constantly apologizing  for things I did or didn't do. 

Now that I think about it, apologizing for what I can  or can't do is taking away from what God can do thru my disabilities.

I need to start thinking about my disabilities this way

Mental Health Monday ~ Listening To My Voices

 

Photo by Pixabay

I HEAR VOICES!

Now, before you jump to conclusions (Mama), they aren't telling me that I'm an alien who seeks world domination. (those are, of course, confidential!!!)

I do, however, hear the voices of doubt...regret... self-loathing...pride...insecurities...blame...and...and...the list goes on and on and on...

Yes, these voices are audible.  Sometimes the voices are ones I recognize and sometimes they aren't.

They are constantly telling me that I'm a failure. That nothing I ever do is good enough.  The voices say that if you had acted or said something in another way; the "correct" way, you'll be liked and accepted. 

Musician John Spence said that "We often talk to ourselves in ways that we would never let a stranger or even a close friend talk to us."

We put ourselves down.  We don't feel like we're worthy enough to feel good about ourselves.  Sometimes, others put us down and other times our surroundings and the things around us dictate our self-worth.   

 I almost feel, no I do feel like I have acceded the number of blessings that a person should get in their lifetime.

I feel bad because I was blessed in ways that other people in my situation were not.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for everything I have!!!

But, it makes me wonder, WHY?  What did I do to deserve to be this blessed?

Truth is, I've only achieved what I have through the grace of GOD

Olin Miler, senior finance manager at Amazon, said: "You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do."

Even with friends and family, most of them are too busy and /or self-absorbed to think too much about what we think or feel, and many times, even what we do and say.

John Spence also said; "Some people don't notice the things others do for them until they stop doing them."

My parents taught me to be strong and confident.  I thought I could

conquer the world.  It turns out that conquering that world didn't look like I thought it would.  (I've go to remember, that like Psalm 23

that the LORD is our SHEPARDand that HE leads us in the way we should go.).  HE wants me to conaquer the world for HIM and in HIS timing; not mine

As I got older, as many people do,  I started to listen and believe the lies of the DEVIL.

Sometimes, my Bipolar and its voices make it hard to distinguish right from wrong; fact from fiction.  It's like walking a tightrope over a lion's den; one misstep and you're going to be supper.

Like I said before, I can't blame my Bipolar for my sin.  I have done it millions of times.  God knows the difference between my sins and my mental issues.

The more in tune with GOD  I am, the quieter the voices become.

 

Mental Health Monday ~Naming My Alter Egos

 

Photo by Freeimges

I have tried to be open and transparent about my Bipolar and any other disabilities I have or may have.

I do this in hopes that my story may help someone else.

That being said, I have decided to name my alter egos.

I say egos because when I'm MANIC I'm bouncing off the walls.

But when I am depressed, I mainly get tired.

It's harder to tell when I'm depressed than when I'm manic.  I think this is because of the Cerebral Palsy may age and the natural state I'm in,  I'm already at that level where it's hard to distinguish between depression and the level that my disability has me at.   

That's why I want to name my alter egos.  One name should be spunky and upbeat.  The other name should be gravely and harsh.

I'm open to suggestions.  Comment below.!.

  

Mental Health Monday - King David's Sadness Over a Lost Child

 

Photo by Pixabay

Depression and mental illness are not new concepts.  There are several examples of people in the bible who dealt with these issues.  David gives us an example:

David's life was one filled with great joy and deep sorrows.  The boy who killed Golalith was the same man who had had an affair with Bathsheba, impregnated her, and then had her husband killed so no one would know that he wasn't the child's father.

They married and the baby was born sick because of their sin.    When he was told that his son was sick, David prayed for the baby, fasted, and lay face down on his bedroom floor.  He lay there for 7 days.

When the baby died, the servants were afraid to tell the king because they didn't know how he would react.  

 But surprisingly, he got up and showered, worshiped God, and then ate.  I find it interesting that after the baby died, David stopped grieving.  Most people grieve when someone dies but rejoices when a baby is born.

However, Ecclesiastes 7 says:

"...The day someone dies is better than the day they were born."

It wasn't that David was happy that the baby died - I don't think he was.  I think he knew there was nothing else he could do.  His next mission was to comfort Bathsheba. 

One of the things about mental illness - mine at least - is no one can understand it.  You can't explain it.  It can cause people to act in a way that is totally opposite to how society expects them to act.

There is a condition called the Pseudobulbar affect (PBA).   "It is a condition that's characterized by episodes of uncontrollable or  inappropriate laughing or crying."  Mayo Clinic

I got in trouble more than once for laughing in church.  Someone would say something funny, and the congregation would laugh and then settle down.  Well, every time I would think of what was said and start bellowing again.

Now, when I laugh, I can laugh until I cry.  Now, I'm not talking about a normal till tears stream down your face pretty cry.  This is that ugly laugh that you laugh until you cry; where you go from being happy to truly upset in a matter of minutes and you have no idea why.  This leaves whoever you're talking with stunned and unsure of what happened.

I think that was kind of what David was going through.    Maybe he couldn't explain how he was acting; except that at the moment; it just made sense to him.

Mental Health Mondays - Self Harms

 

*Disclaimer-I am NOT talking about suicide here.- Disclaimer*

Self-harm is a hard subject to talk about.  People naturally think; Why would anyone  to hurt themselves.  I think it may be easier to accept a person taking their own life than to know someone who physically hurt themselves.

All I can do is speak for myself.  

For me it wasn't really about physically hurting myself, it was more of a psychological release.   I get all these pent up negative that keep building up in side of me.  I didn't want to physically hurt others, so hurting myself was the only logical solution.

I think it started out with the biting..  It was the easiest thing to do when I was little.  I never bit myself hard enough to cause pain,  It a cry out of frustration.  Biting myself was easy.  The a close proximity of my arm to my mouth allowed me to bite myself, often without anyone even noticing. 

Hitting myself was, is, a 2 ply reaction.  The is the natural, in the moment, state of hitting the side of the head with close fists.  This wast more obvious and was used when I wanted people to see my frustrations.

Then there was the there was the head banging.  I would literally bang my head against the wall.  I  mostly did this one in private. I believed, and I wish I could say this belief was only when I was little, that if brain damage caused the CP and all its problem , then maybe it I caused more brain damage would reverse it...(Yeah, didn't think one out clearly.).

My latest vice is pulling my hair out.  This goes from simply my hair gently pulling my hair one strand at a time to ripping out fistfuls of hair.  .  This too can be done in a minuscule way so no one knows you doing it.  If I keep my hair put up, I'm less likely to pull it

So, that's the ugly, uglier and ugliest of self harm.

Mental Health Mondays - A Reasoning for my Thinking

 

It is hard to be a Christain when you have a mental illness.  You are often made to feel guilty because it takes you out of the neat little box that Christians are " supposed" to fit into. We are told that if we pray more, read our bibles more, and had more "godly" friends, we wouldn't feel the way we do.

Honesty, if it was the state of your mental health that was determined by these factors, well... I probably wouldn't be writing this post.

But I am.

It's embarrassing to admit that...you're not happy even though you have everything you could possibly need or want...You can be happy and laughing one minute and crying and sad the next...You think of making choices that you think will help people but in reality, will cause them grief.

It's a constant struggle between how you feel and what you know to be true - and it's a toss-up as to which one will win.

You may be made to feel like if you think this way you are wrong because "normal" people don't have constant thoughts of unhappiness, doubt, and even fear.  

These thoughts are not something that you can turn off like a faucet; even though some people think you can.    

Many times, most times for me, you live minute by minute, breath by breath; Like a fall leaf swirling in the wind, you can only guess which side it will land.

You smile and try to convince people that you're OK, but inside you're being tortured, silently yelling out in pain. 

But in the end, you do what needs to be done and what you've always done...you keep it bottled up.  You don't want to embarrass anyone or cause them to be inconvenienced.  You apologize for anything and everything you do that interrupts what they are doing at the time; even a simple thing as spilling water can cause you to feel worthless because at some point in time you were made to feel bad and/or guilty because of this.