Mental Health and God

 

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It is hard to be a Christain AND have a mental illness.

When I was younger (and even now) people would tell me that if my faith were greater or if I prayed more I wouldn't be disabled (or God would take my disability away)/\.

This is, by the way, an AWFUL thing to say to someone!!!

I do think that if I was a better person, a better Christian, a better wife, a better mother, a better friend, a better...a better...a better...

Then I wouldn't have a mental illness!!!

Am I being punished????

The more I spiral into my mental illness I go, the more askew my view of God becomes.

It reigns from guilt to blame to acceptance to hatred to love and back again.

The circle of... insanity.

There are days when it takes every fiber in my body not to do something I can't take back.

I know this thinking is irrational and self-centered and is totally selfish because there are people who are truly irrational and self-centered; those who truly NEED help.

Somehow, in my opinion, we either think we are more deserving than others or we think we are less deserving than others.  

I tend to think I am less deserving than others.

(Some people say that this in itself makes me self-centered.)

Sometimes I wonder if GOD only gives us so many chances in this life, and I've reached my limit.

Mental Health: The Art of Being Alone

 Having a mental illness is very lonely.

It is said, we all die alone.

But, for the most part, we all live alone too.

People without a mental illness can't understand why a person with a mental illness thinks the way they do.

My mind is constantly racing:  Did I say thank you to that person who held the door open for me?  If I thought the way so and so did I'd be happy.  I wouldn't have dropped my drink on the ground if only I'd paid more attention.  If I prayed more I wouldn't have impure thoughts.  If I was a better friend, that person feel so alone.

IF...IF...IF....

I worry that my thinking is flawed and somehow that makes me a worse person than others. 

Because others can't understand my way of thinking, I feel constantly judged by them.

The thing about being alone is that the longer you're alone, the more used to being alone you get.  If you're alone long enough, you may get to the point where you prefer it that way.

I take several different medicines for my mental illness.  Many of the meds make me tired.  However, if I don't take my meds, my mental illness gets worse; thus it is a trade-off.

I can be alone and not have my mental illness hurt others OR  I can be with others and risk hurting them because I'm mentally ill.

UHM...

I would rather be alone than hurt the ones I love.  

But, do I have enough strength to perfect the art of being alone???

Mental Health Mondays: Aftermath

 

Photo by Clipart Library

Happy New Year!

The holidays are officially behind us and unfortunately, I suffered some mental episodes.  I am highly embarrassed by this. 

One of the things about my mental illness is that I truly believe that these episodes will never happen again.  I try to convince others of this too.

You can only promise people something so many times before they stop believing you.

It's not so much they stop believing you as it is the fact that they stop getting their hopes up that you will change.

They are protecting themself from getting hurt again. (I truly never realized this before I wrote this sentence.)

People have a hard time understanding themselves, let alone understanding others.

Sometimes, most times, I see where others are trying to protect themselves as them rejecting me.

This is when I need to run, lock myself in my prayer closet and stay there until GOD has strengthened me again.

Be patient for my next blog, I may be in there for a while.😊🥺

IT'S THANKFUL THURSDAY - MY HUSBAND - MY SOUL MATE

 

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Shh!  Don't tell him, but I LOVE BARRETT.

It takes effort to have a relationship with anyone; especially if one of those individuals is disabled and especially if it is an intimate relationship. 

My husband is unique.  We drive each other crazy.  Well, I drive him crazy because I am already crazy.

We've known each other for 25 years.  On November 7th, we'll be married for 24 years. 

He's been through the best and worst with me.

Every disability has its own set of challenges.  When those collide with the individual's personalities; they ebb and flow with each other like a river and when you add other disabilities, such as a mental illness, you get the perfect storm.

There is a quote from Legends of the Fall that describes this ideal situation perfectly:

She is like the water that freezes inside the rock and breaks it apart.  It was no more her fault than it is the fault of the water when the rock shatters.

You won't find too many people who can be there in the midst of the storm and are willing to be there through the good times and the bad.  It's not because they don't want to, sometimes people just can't carry someone else's burdens along with their own.  

It reminds me of a cartoon waitress, carrying multiple trays  

Photo by Favpng

However, if you are blessed to find such a gem, cherish them.  Forgive them even when they don't ask for it.  Pray for them always.   Be patient with them and pray they are patient with them.  Remember this isn't just your disability, it's theirs too.  You didn't choose your disabilities,  but to some extent they did; regardless of whether it's your parents, family, friends, or significant other.    Where you need and expect them to take care of you,  you always need to be thankful for those who help and/or take care of us.  It's easy for us to get frustrated with our disability and take it out on the person or people who are taking care of us. 

 It's been said that we hurt the ones we love the most.  I think it's because we naturally assume that the people around us, love us and we take advantage of them.

That's why I'm so thankful and love Barrett so much!

My Voice To My 21 Year Old Self

Remember when the teachers use to make us write a letter to our future or past selves?  Here's another one...

 

It's your 21st birthday.  You have finals tomorrow, but don't worry, Becki's taking you to Nashville Friday night.

When you're 22, you'll get your one and only tattoo.  It's a small teddy bear on the inside of your left ankle.  This way, no matter what job you get as a Social Worker, you'll be able to hide it when you need to and show off when you want to.  You believed the Bible loosely says that you are not supposed to make cuts on your body and that your body is a temple of GOD.  You didn't see your body as a temple of GOD.  So, naturally, you got a tattoo.  You'll like it until your 4-year-old daughter asks if she can get a tattoo.  (PS. she'll get one when she 17.)

When you're 23, you'll take a Philophsy class during a 2-and-a-half-week summer class (turns out you even need the class) that will change your life forever. You'll meet the guy you've been praying for.  His name is Barrett and he'll tell you he just wants to be "friends".  So, you'll be "best friends" for a year.  Right after you graduate from MTSU with your BSW, he'll tell you he loves you.

You will marry your best friend and the love of your life on November 7, 1998.

On July 13, 1999, You'll have a little baby boy. Dalton Keith and your greatest job as a Mama will begin.

In July of 2002, you'll be 6 months pregnant with Bobbye Susanna and you'll find out you're in preterm labor; this will win you a 6-week vacation in the hospital.  One of the hardest days you'll ever have is the day your 3-year-old will call you and he'll say "Mama, please let me come home. I promise I'll be a good boy."  It will break your heart and you'll cry for hours.  On September 5th, you'll give birth to the most beautiful, precious little girl in the world.

In the summer of 2018, you'll be on vacation and you'll fall.  You'll look up at Barrett and say "It's time," and you'll know he'll understand what you're talking about.  You've always wanted to be the one to decide when you needed more care and decide when it was time to go to a nursing home; you didn't want him or the kids to have to make the decision.  Although it gets hard at times, you know it's been the best thing for the whole family.  It has also allowed you to use that Social Work degree.  Well, your minor was in gerontology and all...Plus, you've met people and friends you might have never met otherwise.

Those are the big moments. But remember, these moments are surrounded by smaller ones that are equally important.  Enjoy yourself. Love and pray for everyone like it's the last thing you'll ever do. Never regret telling people you love them. Make more friends than enemies.  Forgive others, even if they don't apologize and you think they should.  Trus GOD even when, especially when, you don't want to.

And...and...

Forgive and love yourself...Because GOD does.

THE VOICE OF CONFUSION

I have Bi-Polar.  I wasn't diagnosed until my mid 20's, but I've probably dealt with it most of my life.  Even in in 2022, mental health is still a taboo subject in many societies.  It can already be an embarrassing  condition, and when you add  the negative stigma that can already accompany mental illness, it can truly be overwhelming.

I think if I could say, ask, one thing of people who encounter someone who is Bi-Polar or who is dealing with any type of mental health problem , is please be kind and patient.   I know I, for one, already feel bad and guilty for the way I think and sometimes the way I act.

Now, please note, I'm not using my mental health as a cop-out, because I am accountable for my words and actions.

Please,  try not to shame or discourage a person dealing with mental health issues. That, in my case, makes whatever I'm going through 10 times worse because I'm not only having to deal with the issue at hand, but now I feel guilty, shamed and worried about how my mental health effects you.

Of course my mental health effects those around me, all I can do is to pray-and take my meds-that I can get control over my mental health issues.

THE VOICE OF FORGIVING YOURSELF

 Ephesians 4:32

The Gospel, the entire bible, is a story of a loving GOD who forgives us.  We didn't ask for it - we wouldn't even know what to ask for.  We don't deserve it and we can't forgive others until we acknowledge that GOD has forgiven me.

But,  how do I forgive myself?

It has been said that you are your own worst critic.

From the time we are born, the constant noise of voices  taunt our ears.  Voices that tell us everything from to what to eat to who our friends should be.  Voices  that can heavily suggest what we should study in school, who we should marry and even what our faith system should  be.

                           VOICES...VOICES...VOICES

How do we know what voices to listen to?

How do we separate our voice from the thousands of voices that bombard us every day?  

All the voices we hear are supposed to help us find our voice, not to determine it.

Because we here so many voices, we feel judged.  When we feel judged,  we feel guilty, and when we feel guilty, we start doubting ourselves.

 We want to please everyone and when we can't...when I can't

I feel like I've sinned

If I fall...I should have watched where I was going.

If I drop or spill something....I should have paid better attention.

If someone can't here or understand, me, its my fault for not speaking correctly.

While some are valid points, many aren't.  

If you've known me for more than 5 minutes, you know my go to phrase is "I'm sorry."

I guess I don't want to feel like a "burden" to anyone.

Of course, the are other things.  BIGGER things that we can't forgive ourselves for either...

LIKE

Have I shown my husband the love and respect he deserves?

Do my kids know I love them MORE THAN ANYTHING?

Have I been the daughter and sister I need to be?

Have I given my friend a ear when she need to talk?

Did I befriend the news patient in the nursing home?

Did I smile at the weary nursing home employees who seems to be having a bad day?

Did I pray when God prompted me to?

VOICES...VOICES...VOICES

HOWEVER

We are all going to fail.

ROMANS 3:23 says

"WE ALL SIN AND FALL SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD"

There are times when we sin and we need to feel guilty

BUT THEN

1 JOHN 1:9 tells us

"IF WE CONFESS OUR SIN, HE IS FAITHFUL AND JUST AND WILL FORGIVE OUR SINS AND PURIFY US FROM ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS"

PLUS, `JOHN 8:36 says;

"IF THE LORD SETS YOU FREE, YOU  ARE FREE INDEED."

While I know this is true, it is still hard to quiet the voices in my head.

So, I have to remind myself over and over and over again...

If God can forgive me, 

I can forgive myself!

Christianity and Mental Health ~ Part 1

May is mental health awareness month.  I didn't know this when I thought about doing a blog series on Christianity and mental health.  I  decided to do this because I do struggle with mental health while being a Christian.  I've hidden it, denied it. lied about it, blamed others for it, blamed me, and yes, I've even blamed God for it.   I take my medicine, I pray for it to go away and I've even attempted things like banging my head against a wall to reverse it.

While praying and taking my medication helps, I cannot deny any longer that I do struggle with mental health and have for most of my life.  

I have Cerebral Palsy caused by being strangled by the umbilical cord during birth. A lack of oxygen damaged my Cerebral Cortex, which not only controls my muscles but also my emotions.  I tend to get overly emotional over most things.  I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder:

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, is a mental illness that brings severe high and low moods and changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior. ... You can think of the highs and the lows as two "poles" of mood, which is why it's called "bipolar" disorder
https://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/mental-health-bipolar-disorder

One thing that I struggle with most is the fear of not being able to take care of myself.  I'm not really afraid of being alone, but as far as being able to take care of my physical and finances, I'll probably never be too.  I know that I do have people who will take care of me.  It's a control thing.  I never considered myself a "control freak", but looking back on my life,  I can see where I was (am) a control freak.  Whether or not I can always control my emotions, when I don't take the time to breathe and pray, I'm going to go overboard every time.  However, when I take the time to breathe and pray, I can usually lessen the blow and the time that I am upset.  Unfortunately, I don't stop and do this as often as I should.

Trying to control something that is impossible to control is insane.  Albert Einstein is credited with saying; "The definition of insanity of doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.  I guess I keep expecting if I continue to have a negative reaction to a situation then it will result in a positive reaction.  Logically, I know that this scenario will never work out, but in my warped mind, I see it working as the perfect solution.

SELFISHNESS V. SELF CARE

Growing up I had this idea that as a Christina its was a sin to be selfishness,  Ironically, looking back I realize I was probably the most selfish person EVER.  My selfish, irrational behavior reaped chaos and havoc throughout my childhood home and has continued in our home today; I'm embarrassed to say you know the adage "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"  This so true!  I set the tone for The Barrett's Home Sweet Home.

I have suffer from bipolar depression and perhaps some other mental issues since I was little.  We think some of this is due to a chemical imbalance due to caused by the brain damage I suffered as birth.  I've always kind of use my actions the  are caused by my bipolar to get my way.  It's a cycle.  I want to say (and has said) I'll change, but soon as the next problem happens, everything goes.

It's taken me my whole life to realize that acting like this is part of my coping mechanism.  It gives me control of some sort, where much of my life is out of my control.  But when I lose control of my control, well; let's just say the woman's scorned fury has nothing on me.

This is where Self Care enters in.

When I think of self care, I tend to think that I need to take each thought captive and realize that every thought doesn't need to be expressed.  I need to rem, ember to take a deep breath and think before I speak.  I need  to give myself permission  to take a break; to step out of the situation to gain a clearer perspective.  I need to pray and try to see things through other's eyes if I need to.  I need to pray for myself, because if I can't truly love and pray for myself, how can I love and pray for others?

SEEKING GOD AS A PRECIOUS JEWEL

I've been listening to this song lately.   This was a theme song one year at the women's retreat that my friend, Becki, and I attend every year. I'm sitting here wondering do I truly seek Jesus as the precious jewel He is or do I treat Him like and as a genie` in a lantern that I put on the back burner of my heart until I need him again?  Honestly, I probably do a little of both.  There are times when I'm so in tune with God that I get a glimpse of what Heaven may be like.  Then there are times when I feel so disconnected from God that He seems like a total stranger to me.  I wish I could say I got to busy or something r more important came up.  I can't.  it's a matter of choosing what I want to do.  It's a heart issue.  Am I going to choose to study and prayer of am I going to choose to watch one more episode of that TV show that I shouldn't be watching?  Uhm... why are that we don't (or me maybe even want) wrapped  in such beautiful and a luring paper?  The easy answer is to say the DEVIL.  O God, I wanted to study but Satan made me do it.  God must get so sick of us saying that.  We can be tempted by Satan, but we have to take responsibility of responding to that temptation.  (Remember His servant Job???)  
In Romans 7:15 Paul say "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but that I hate I do."  I think through serious prayer and dedication to change.`  I've struggling with things for years, decades even, that I need to change.  It's easy for me to play the victim and say "That's just who I am.  But that's not who God created me to be.  I was created to seek, and find, Jesus as the precious jewel that He is.  He me; not some of me or my leftovers.   He wants ALL of me.  Not because He's a selfish control freak.  Simply because He LOVES me.

DON'T QUENCH THE HOLY SPIRIT -SPEAKING UP

For the past couple of years or so my main focus of study has been on prayer...I read scriptures on prayer, I read books on prayer, I listen to sermons on prayer, and I pray that I will become more effective at praying.  I do believe that praying is a spiritual gift and I believe that God is calling me deeper and deeper into a life of prayer.  I'm absolutely LOVING this!!!  During the last few weeks, something that I've notice that God is telling me not to quench the Holy Spirit.  One of my favorite scripture verses is:

Hebrews 13:2 (NIV) "2 Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it."

     I find this super exciting, because, come on, who wouldn't want to meet and entertain an angel???  But, this verse can also be terrifying.  What is God going to ask me to do?  I really want to obey you, God, as long as you don't call me out of my "comfort zone".  We all have our "comfort" zone.  I love to encourage people; I do believe it's one of my spiritual gifts.  I'll email you, I'll text you, I'll like and comment on your Facebook  posts and pictures.  However, they're a very few people that I'll actually converse with, and even fewer that I will strike a conversation with.  I do say "hello", "how are you?",  "please" and "thank you",  etc.  I never really know how people (who don't know me) are going to react to my speaking,  plus it seams like as I age my speech is getting harder and harder to understand.

     That being sad, God had asked me twice this week to step out of my "comfort" zone and speak to people.  UGH!  The first was a lady whose husband came to our church to speak about the Gideons.  There was just something about this lady.  She was a little more mature than I am.  An inner beauty and her love for God just flowed from her .  Not only did I toughly enjoy talking with her, I also felt the urge to give her my phone number and email address.  Then on Monday, I felt the urge to approach a young couple with a couple with a new born baby.

     The Great Commission bids us to go to all the ends of the earth and tell about Jesus.  Part of telling others about Jesus, perhaps the first part, is showing His love tor them.

    I know the closer I grow in my relationship with Christ the more He will ask me to do things out of my "comfort" zone and I pray that I will not quench the Holy Spirit.