Where I Fell In Love With God

 

Historic picture of the St. Bernard's Chapel

When did you fall in love with God?  Do you remember?  Did your parents drag you out of bed on Sundays to church whether you wanted to go or not?   Maybe you had a praying grandparent who covered you in prayer.  Perhaps you had a Sunday School teacher who took you to church months before your mother died of cancer.  However you fell in love with Christ, I pray it was unique to you. 

I fell in love with God in the chapel of my elementary school.  St. Bernard's was surrounded by Sisters of Mercy who I knew loved me unconditionally.

When I first started school, my parent put me into St. Bernard's School for Exceptional Children - a school geared toward children with disabilities.  When I was ready to start first grade, had I gone to public school I would have been to a special education school?  So, I continued at St. Bernard's.  (Side note - I met one of my best friends on the first day of first grade.  Her father was the principal of the special ed school I was supposed to go to.)

Anyway, St. Bernard's had a beautiful chapel.  It had marble floors and alters, tall stained glass windows, beautiful wood pews, and stalled (box pews).  We love the stalls because there was a Christmas candlelight service each year and the 6th grade (and later the 8th  grade)  got to sit in the stalls ~ It made us feel special and important.

Unlike many Catholic schools, we only had mass once a month.  Every grade was in charge of one of the masses.  What we look forward to most was that most mass days were half days at school.  However, mass days also meant days of practicing singing.  I always got in trouble for singing too loud.  (Mr. Stewart clearly didn't understand the bible verse Psalm 98:4 King James Version (KJV)  

"Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all the earth: make a loud noise, and rejoice, and sing praise." 

Come to think of it, neither does Barrett of the kids.  It's bad when your own kids ask you not to sing to them!

I'll never forget one spring afternoon we were practicing and the windows were open and we may or may not have been acting out and not listening.   All of sudden, a window slams shut.  We weren't sure if there was a ghost or if  God Almighty was giving us a warning sign, but we were on our best behavior for the rest of the day.

One of the privileges of being the only physically disabled student in the school was that I got to ride the elevator, and I usually got to take a friend with me.  St. Bernard's had four stories.   The first two floors were the school and the upper two floors were the convent.  My friend, Molly, and I loved to go exploring on the upper two floors.

The chapel doors were almost always open.  Sometimes I would sneak in there to pray or just marvel at its beauty.  A neat thing about going to a church in a convent it was common to see the Sisters walking around the complex.  4 of the sisters were actually involved in the school.  Sister Melanie was the principal, Sister Nina taught 1st and 2nd-grade reading, and Sister Helen taught 3rd and 4th-grade math (she would make us do problems on the board and would get irritated when I scratched the chalk board with my fingernails ~ which I may or may not have done on purpose at times.) and Sister Mary Ann taught  5th and 6th-grade English.

There is something about growing up in the presence of godly women that tied a knot into my heartstrings and tattered it to the heart of God.  One of my first mentors was Sister Marietta.  She had been the principal of the St. Bernard's School for Exceptional Children. I had never seen someone love people or God as much as she did.  I wanted to be just like her.

While it's been a while since I've studied at St. Bernard's and I no longer attend a Catholic church, (I married a Baptist deacon.)  I know that God used my time in that school and chapel to tenderize my heart towards Him.  I wouldn't change anything for it.

Our 5th grade class at SBA

Thankful Thursday ~ Forgiveness

Forgiveness is an amazing thing!  We can't earn it.  We don't deserve it.  We can choose to accept it or deny it. We can offer it to others, but we can't make people forgive us.

But, truth is, while we want the forgiveness of others;  Jesus is the only one who can truly forgive us. 

We've done things in our past that have hurt people; things that we can't make someone forgive us.  We also can't dictate how someone  reacts to what we have done to them.  The saying "You can forgive but you can never forget" is so true."  And  remembering isn't always a bad thing; in fact, it's only in remembering the past  that we can define our future.

However, as Christian, I know forgiveness doesn't come from others but from God.  While He may not always like what we do to other; 1 John 1:9 (NIV) tells us "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."  Whatever happens with the other person, we have to know that we are right with God.   Because when we know we are right with and have peace with God; we allow whatever we've done to be released and used for His glory.

   As I was writing this I thought about one of the most difficult times in my life.  It took me years to forgive this situation.    One of these individuals is in Haven ~whom I love dearly and miss everyday.  But there are still days when I think back to this time in my life and all that anger and grief rise up in my heart.  I have forgiven this act, but there are still replications to what happened that has not only effected my entire family, but has added too and improved our family. 

Thankful Journal

Positive Psychology trainer / Gratitude Journal https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.bliss.phonegap

YOU CREATE WHAT YOU FEAR

I've always heard you reap what you sow.  I heard Dr. Phil say "We create what we fear."  When I heard this, I started to think; do I do this?  I have to admit, I think I do.

We all have normal fears.  I'm afraid of falling. ( I don't bounce back like I use to and it also hurts more.)  But most of us, if we're honest with ourselves, have phobias ~ irrational fears ~ that if our left to our on imaginations, can cripple us.

One of my phobias is:

Autophobia, also called monophobia, isolophobia, or eremophobia, is the specific phobia of isolation; a morbid fear of being egotistical, or a dread of being alone or isolated. Sufferers need not be physically alone, but just to believe that they are being ignored or unloved

While I'm not afraid of the act of being left alone for a short time, like when the kids are at school and Barrett is at work, I am afraid of being abandoned and not being able to take care of myself.  When I was little, This fear wase directed at my Mama.  When I got married, the fear was redirected to my husband, Barrett.  When my kids were little I was afraid my kids would be taken away from me because someone would deem me as a unfit mother.

The thing about phobias, at least in my case, is that  my first instinct is to take care of my self.  In doing this, my first reaction is fight or flight.  I get upset and fight for and/or against whatever conflict is facing me so that I can take care of myself.  If I feel like if I'm about to be abandoned, then I'm going to control how and why I'm being abandoned.  If I feel like you're going to hurt me, I'm going to try and hurt you first.

The problem with this, at least for me, is that I can't always correctly perceive another person's reasoning: for example, if Barrett comes home in a bad mood, too often I think he's mad at me, when usually he's just had a bad day.

However, assumption can lead me to react in a negative way.  Thus, this causes whoever I'm reacting to is reacting in a negative way too.  By doing this I am driving a wedge between me and whoever I'm  reacting to.    It's vicious cycle.

Like I said, I've done this all my live and I've burned a lot of bridges doing so.

God is the only one that can "cure" my phobia.  I'm beginning to think He's not going to "cure", He wants to make it part of my ministry...to glorify Him.

Why did it take me so long to figure this out?

SELFISHNESS V. SELF CARE

Growing up I had this idea that as a Christina its was a sin to be selfishness,  Ironically, looking back I realize I was probably the most selfish person EVER.  My selfish, irrational behavior reaped chaos and havoc throughout my childhood home and has continued in our home today; I'm embarrassed to say you know the adage "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"  This so true!  I set the tone for The Barrett's Home Sweet Home.

I have suffer from bipolar depression and perhaps some other mental issues since I was little.  We think some of this is due to a chemical imbalance due to caused by the brain damage I suffered as birth.  I've always kind of use my actions the  are caused by my bipolar to get my way.  It's a cycle.  I want to say (and has said) I'll change, but soon as the next problem happens, everything goes.

It's taken me my whole life to realize that acting like this is part of my coping mechanism.  It gives me control of some sort, where much of my life is out of my control.  But when I lose control of my control, well; let's just say the woman's scorned fury has nothing on me.

This is where Self Care enters in.

When I think of self care, I tend to think that I need to take each thought captive and realize that every thought doesn't need to be expressed.  I need to rem, ember to take a deep breath and think before I speak.  I need  to give myself permission  to take a break; to step out of the situation to gain a clearer perspective.  I need to pray and try to see things through other's eyes if I need to.  I need to pray for myself, because if I can't truly love and pray for myself, how can I love and pray for others?

Thankful Thursday ~HOME SWEET HOME

There's no place like home!t

Most of us probably first heard this mantra when we watched "The Wizard of Oz" as a child.  Many more  of us of didn't truly understand what this meant until we moved out of our childhood home.  We may laugh at those commercials that talk about the adult child bringing his laundry home for mom to wash.  But leaving home for the first time can be very dramatic.  My parents divorced after I left for college; while I felt comfortable at both  of their homes,  I didn't feel like I had a "home".  In fact, it really wasn't until I married Barrett and we bought our first house that I really felt at home for years, (Sorry, Mama!).  It was just nice to have a place to ourselves  where we were free to be who God created us to be.   It's a place where Barrett can come home from work and get rest he needs.  It's a place where Dalton and Bobbye Sue cam grow and laugh.  

I recently went out of town for a week and it really reminded me of how much I love our house.  Barrett has gone to great lengths to make sure that our house is accessible as it can be so that I can be as independent as I can be.  But more than that, it reminded me of how much I truly love Barrett and the kids.  I take too many things for granted and believe the lies that Satan tells me about what a good marriage should look like; of what being a good mother should be..  God made me, Barrett, and the kids unique to tell His story through our lives.  Our home may not be like any home you've seen before, but...

BUT IT'S HOME SWEET HOME TO US!

STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF WHILE LETTING GO OF CONTROL

I have never felt like I've had a control problem.  I know people who need to get a handle for  THEIR control problems.  But I don't have a control problem.  I believe everyone has a control problem.  I think it is natural, we all focus and and relate to life better when  we feel like we are on stable ground.  No one likes to be out of the loop; even those who enjoy the element of surprise.  

It is hard not to be (or even to feel like your not) in control. We panic at the thought of chaos.  And God help person who changes our plans.  Being in charge makes us feel important  and powerful.  

I think a lot of our need to have control is due to the society we live in. Many people measured success in how much money or power a person has.  We all want to be number 1; only looking out for yourself and those who we deem worthy to be in our presence.

The need of being in control is, perhaps the oldest need in the book; its origins hanging from limbs of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  How arrogant are we to think the we can have the same or even more control than God?  

Daniel 2:21 says "He controls the course of world events; he removes kings and sets up other kings. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the scholars." (NLT)

Not only can we not control the big issues of the world; we don't even have control over our own life.  
Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
When we choose to let go of our "need" to be in control and admit that God has ultimate control over EVERYTHING.

LET GO AND LET GOD