YOU CREATE WHAT YOU FEAR

I've always heard you reap what you sow.  I heard Dr. Phil say "We create what we fear."  When I heard this, I started to think; do I do this?  I have to admit, I think I do.

We all have normal fears.  I'm afraid of falling. ( I don't bounce back like I use to and it also hurts more.)  But most of us, if we're honest with ourselves, have phobias ~ irrational fears ~ that if our left to our on imaginations, can cripple us.

One of my phobias is:

Autophobia, also called monophobia, isolophobia, or eremophobia, is the specific phobia of isolation; a morbid fear of being egotistical, or a dread of being alone or isolated. Sufferers need not be physically alone, but just to believe that they are being ignored or unloved

While I'm not afraid of the act of being left alone for a short time, like when the kids are at school and Barrett is at work, I am afraid of being abandoned and not being able to take care of myself.  When I was little, This fear wase directed at my Mama.  When I got married, the fear was redirected to my husband, Barrett.  When my kids were little I was afraid my kids would be taken away from me because someone would deem me as a unfit mother.

The thing about phobias, at least in my case, is that  my first instinct is to take care of my self.  In doing this, my first reaction is fight or flight.  I get upset and fight for and/or against whatever conflict is facing me so that I can take care of myself.  If I feel like if I'm about to be abandoned, then I'm going to control how and why I'm being abandoned.  If I feel like you're going to hurt me, I'm going to try and hurt you first.

The problem with this, at least for me, is that I can't always correctly perceive another person's reasoning: for example, if Barrett comes home in a bad mood, too often I think he's mad at me, when usually he's just had a bad day.

However, assumption can lead me to react in a negative way.  Thus, this causes whoever I'm reacting to is reacting in a negative way too.  By doing this I am driving a wedge between me and whoever I'm  reacting to.    It's vicious cycle.

Like I said, I've done this all my live and I've burned a lot of bridges doing so.

God is the only one that can "cure" my phobia.  I'm beginning to think He's not going to "cure", He wants to make it part of my ministry...to glorify Him.

Why did it take me so long to figure this out?

SELFISHNESS V. SELF CARE

Growing up I had this idea that as a Christina its was a sin to be selfishness,  Ironically, looking back I realize I was probably the most selfish person EVER.  My selfish, irrational behavior reaped chaos and havoc throughout my childhood home and has continued in our home today; I'm embarrassed to say you know the adage "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"  This so true!  I set the tone for The Barrett's Home Sweet Home.

I have suffer from bipolar depression and perhaps some other mental issues since I was little.  We think some of this is due to a chemical imbalance due to caused by the brain damage I suffered as birth.  I've always kind of use my actions the  are caused by my bipolar to get my way.  It's a cycle.  I want to say (and has said) I'll change, but soon as the next problem happens, everything goes.

It's taken me my whole life to realize that acting like this is part of my coping mechanism.  It gives me control of some sort, where much of my life is out of my control.  But when I lose control of my control, well; let's just say the woman's scorned fury has nothing on me.

This is where Self Care enters in.

When I think of self care, I tend to think that I need to take each thought captive and realize that every thought doesn't need to be expressed.  I need to rem, ember to take a deep breath and think before I speak.  I need  to give myself permission  to take a break; to step out of the situation to gain a clearer perspective.  I need to pray and try to see things through other's eyes if I need to.  I need to pray for myself, because if I can't truly love and pray for myself, how can I love and pray for others?

STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF WHILE LETTING GO OF CONTROL

I have never felt like I've had a control problem.  I know people who need to get a handle for  THEIR control problems.  But I don't have a control problem.  I believe everyone has a control problem.  I think it is natural, we all focus and and relate to life better when  we feel like we are on stable ground.  No one likes to be out of the loop; even those who enjoy the element of surprise.  

It is hard not to be (or even to feel like your not) in control. We panic at the thought of chaos.  And God help person who changes our plans.  Being in charge makes us feel important  and powerful.  

I think a lot of our need to have control is due to the society we live in. Many people measured success in how much money or power a person has.  We all want to be number 1; only looking out for yourself and those who we deem worthy to be in our presence.

The need of being in control is, perhaps the oldest need in the book; its origins hanging from limbs of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  How arrogant are we to think the we can have the same or even more control than God?  

Daniel 2:21 says "He controls the course of world events; he removes kings and sets up other kings. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the scholars." (NLT)

Not only can we not control the big issues of the world; we don't even have control over our own life.  
Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
When we choose to let go of our "need" to be in control and admit that God has ultimate control over EVERYTHING.

LET GO AND LET GOD