Mental Health Mondays: My Definition of My Mental Health

 

Photo by PNGTREE

According to the  Mayo Clinic

Mental health is the overall wellness of how you think, regulate your feelings and behave. Sometimes people experience a significant disturbance in this mental functioning. A mental disorder may be present when patterns or changes in thinking, feeling or behaving cause distress or disrupt a person's ability to function. A mental health disorder may affect how well you:

• Maintain personal or family relationships
• Function in social settings
• Perform at work or school
• Learn at a level expected for your age and intelligence
• Participate in other important activities

Cultural norms and social expectations also play a role in defining mental health disorders. There is no standard measure across cultures to determine whether a behavior is normal or when it becomes disruptive. What might be normal in one society may be a cause for concern in another.

That being said, I think most people have their own idea of what mental health is.  Now I'm not saying that a diagnosis isn't important; it is VERY  important!!! However, each mental illness affects the patient differently.  I am Bi-Polar, and my sister (this is just an example) is also Bi-Polar.  I get depressed and manic to the point of crying, yelling, and pulling my hair out.  She goes on a wild girl's night out one night;  she's bouncing off the walls and the start of the night and crying (to the point of sobbing) into her beer at the end of the night. Her symptoms occur for 2 or 3 days a month, whereas mine occurs for a couple of weeks a month.

Ok, this example is a bit extreme, but you get my drift...

The point is, I know what my mental illness is.  I don't why  I'm  Bi-Polar or why I react the way I do when  I have a  Bi-Polar episode, but I know what it means to me.

This is also true about my Cerebral Palsy.  I don't why it happen or why my body reacts to the CP, but I know my definition of what CP means to me.

It is very important to be aware of any illnesses we have.

. 

Mental Health Mondays: Letter to My Bipolar

Photo by Needpix

 

To my Bipolar, (also known as Manic Depression);

I HATE you!!!

Actually, that's not true:

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE being MANIC!!!

It's a high: I feel like I can do ANYTHING!!!

It's like being the Tasmanian Devil.  I'm running in circles and I'm bouncing off walls.  My mind is racing, I'm talking at top speed and am even more comprehendible than normal.

BUT...

Isaac Newton said that "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction." He also said, "What goes up must come down."

For me, depression is much worse and occurs much more often than mania.  I think a lot of this is due to how Cerebral Palsy effects my body.  It zaps my energy and exhausts me.  Most of my life is lived in slow motion and it feels like I'm constantly chasing after something that I will never, never be able to catch.

In addition to depression, I also struggle with other emotions and have emotional outbursts;

This leads to shame and guilt;

Which leads to hearing my inner voices;

Leading to self-harm;

Leading, leading, leading down the rabbit hole.

Until SMACK

You hit rock bottom and once you climb back out of the rabbit hole...

The cycle starts all over again.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Mental Health Monday ~ Listening To My Voices

 

Photo by Pixabay

I HEAR VOICES!

Now, before you jump to conclusions (Mama), they aren't telling me that I'm an alien who seeks world domination. (those are, of course, confidential!!!)

I do, however, hear the voices of doubt...regret... self-loathing...pride...insecurities...blame...and...and...the list goes on and on and on...

Yes, these voices are audible.  Sometimes the voices are ones I recognize and sometimes they aren't.

They are constantly telling me that I'm a failure. That nothing I ever do is good enough.  The voices say that if you had acted or said something in another way; the "correct" way, you'll be liked and accepted. 

Musician John Spence said that "We often talk to ourselves in ways that we would never let a stranger or even a close friend talk to us."

We put ourselves down.  We don't feel like we're worthy enough to feel good about ourselves.  Sometimes, others put us down and other times our surroundings and the things around us dictate our self-worth.   

 I almost feel, no I do feel like I have acceded the number of blessings that a person should get in their lifetime.

I feel bad because I was blessed in ways that other people in my situation were not.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for everything I have!!!

But, it makes me wonder, WHY?  What did I do to deserve to be this blessed?

Truth is, I've only achieved what I have through the grace of GOD

Olin Miler, senior finance manager at Amazon, said: "You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do."

Even with friends and family, most of them are too busy and /or self-absorbed to think too much about what we think or feel, and many times, even what we do and say.

John Spence also said; "Some people don't notice the things others do for them until they stop doing them."

My parents taught me to be strong and confident.  I thought I could

conquer the world.  It turns out that conquering that world didn't look like I thought it would.  (I've go to remember, that like Psalm 23

that the LORD is our SHEPARDand that HE leads us in the way we should go.).  HE wants me to conaquer the world for HIM and in HIS timing; not mine

As I got older, as many people do,  I started to listen and believe the lies of the DEVIL.

Sometimes, my Bipolar and its voices make it hard to distinguish right from wrong; fact from fiction.  It's like walking a tightrope over a lion's den; one misstep and you're going to be supper.

Like I said before, I can't blame my Bipolar for my sin.  I have done it millions of times.  God knows the difference between my sins and my mental issues.

The more in tune with GOD  I am, the quieter the voices become.

 

About Me Tuesday ~ A Letter To My Cerebral Palsy

 

`Dear Cerebral Palsy

You are my oldest friend and confidant.  I can't escape you; even when I want to more than anything.  You caused me my first physical pain and also my first heartache.  You took my breath away along with my voice.  When I tried to stand up, you would pull my back down.

As we got older, we had a battle of wills; this is a constant that continues to this day.  

One area that you did not overcome was my intellect.  I loved school.  I was very good at reading and writing; math, not so much.  

When we became teenagers, you invited someone else into our friendship.  Bipolar.

She was jealous of everything we had and the accomplishment that we had made and she drove a wedge between us.  She was bossy and always had to be in control; even to this day.

As we got older, both of you begin to fight over me.  Then, the fighting stopped.  When the fighting stopped, the silence started.  This silence was very frightening because that is when the two of you teamed up against me. 

Even though you both teamed up, you have your own identity  

Because of this, you will be held accountable for all you've done to me.

However, dear CP,  I can't say we haven't had our good times.  Like I said at the beginning of this letter, you are my oldest friend.  You offered me a certain comfort that I can't describe and  I doubt anyone could understand without experiencing it for themselves.

You have given me opportunities and have allowed me to have relationships that I could have never had if I hadn't been disabled.

 You have taught me how to be patient and understanding.  

You have given me a "peace that surpasses all understanding" Philippians 4:7 (ESV).

Because of you, I have a beautiful relationship with GOD that I probably wouldn't have had if I hadn't had CP.  I've learned how to deal with you.

Well, dear CP, that's all for now.

Love & Hate

Me

Mental Health Monday ~Naming My Alter Egos

 

Photo by Freeimges

I have tried to be open and transparent about my Bipolar and any other disabilities I have or may have.

I do this in hopes that my story may help someone else.

That being said, I have decided to name my alter egos.

I say egos because when I'm MANIC I'm bouncing off the walls.

But when I am depressed, I mainly get tired.

It's harder to tell when I'm depressed than when I'm manic.  I think this is because of the Cerebral Palsy may age and the natural state I'm in,  I'm already at that level where it's hard to distinguish between depression and the level that my disability has me at.   

That's why I want to name my alter egos.  One name should be spunky and upbeat.  The other name should be gravely and harsh.

I'm open to suggestions.  Comment below.!.

  

THE VOICE OF CONFUSION

I have Bi-Polar.  I wasn't diagnosed until my mid 20's, but I've probably dealt with it most of my life.  Even in in 2022, mental health is still a taboo subject in many societies.  It can already be an embarrassing  condition, and when you add  the negative stigma that can already accompany mental illness, it can truly be overwhelming.

I think if I could say, ask, one thing of people who encounter someone who is Bi-Polar or who is dealing with any type of mental health problem , is please be kind and patient.   I know I, for one, already feel bad and guilty for the way I think and sometimes the way I act.

Now, please note, I'm not using my mental health as a cop-out, because I am accountable for my words and actions.

Please,  try not to shame or discourage a person dealing with mental health issues. That, in my case, makes whatever I'm going through 10 times worse because I'm not only having to deal with the issue at hand, but now I feel guilty, shamed and worried about how my mental health effects you.

Of course my mental health effects those around me, all I can do is to pray-and take my meds-that I can get control over my mental health issues.

A START ANEW

 Heyia!!!  So, it's been a moment or two since I've blogged.  It's been four years and coincides with a major change in my health and my life.  In the summer of 2018, we went to Florida and I fell in the bathroom.  It was then I looked at Barrett and said; "Its time."

We always knew that there was a high possibility  I would end up in a long term care facility.  It was hard to make the decision.   I have always told Barrett that I wanted to be one to decide when I needed more help.  I didn't want him or especially Dalton and Bobbye to have to make that decision and feel guilty: they do feel to some extent.  It's one thing to have to decide as a middle aged adult to put your elderly parent (65+) into a nursing facility, it's another to be 19 and 16 to have put your 45 year old Mama in one.

I have many people who judge us; especially Barrett.  It is easy to say;  "Well, I'd  never do that to my loved one."  You don't know what you'd do in our situation.  A couple of days before I moved in here, I fell.  I didn't have my phone (my fault).  Barrett was at work, Bobbye was at school and Dalton was asleep at the other end of the house.  I laid here for a couple of hours.  They needed to be able to  go out and do what they  need to do without worrying about me being OK.  The kids have to have their own life.  People like to say "O, why don't you have home health come and help out?"  Great idea!  Home health is expensive, and most insurance doesn't pay for it.  My Mama has some friends who are a bit more financially comfortable than we are, they've been using home health for about 2 years and it's really been rough for them.  I don't think that when we judge others and say "Well, if..." we count all the costs, because we don't know all the costs.  I'm also bipolar, which can be just as taxing, if not more, as a physical disability on a relationship.  It's better for all of us to see each other once or twice a week and have a really good time, than to  be with each other day by day and be stressed and even resentful towards each other.