A LEGEND OF THE NORMANS - THE SOUND OF PAPA'S LAUGH

 

 

    On Christmas I guess I was 11 or 12, which would have made big brother, Jimbo, 14 or 15.  Either him or one of the other boys had gotten a BB GUN for Christmas,  This was a prized gift in our house.  So, Jimbo and my Papa go out to a field, which  also served as grave yard for broken down old cars.  (Don't most people have car grave yards in their back yard???)

Anyway, somehow Papa shot through a car window.  He told Jimbo told hold the BB GUN.  Jimbo said no and started running towards the house because he knew he'd be in a heap of trouble if our daddy thought he had shot through the window.

Well, my Papa started laughing.  Now you have to know, my Papa was maybe 5" standing on his tippy toes!  So, when he laughed it was larger than life.  It was a laugh that was contagious.  The kind of laugh that lasted a good 5 minutes.  The kind that every time you think of it throughout the day, you laugh just as hard as you did when it first happened.

I really miss that laugh!

I'm sure Jimbo will correct me where I am wrong, but for now it's a LEGEND OF THE NORMANS!

THE VOICE OF OPPOSITION

So, I am one of those people who messes up on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis.  It may be sticking my foot in my mouth or not paying attention and knocking over a bottle of soda on a freshly clean floor.  I am a walking disaster;  I'm walking in sin, if you may. No one understands this better than the Apostle Paul when he said in Romans 7:15-20 New International Version (NIV)

“15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.”

Now, while this is not a coverall for all sin, it does remind us that EVERYONE IS A SINNER! We must come to the cross DAILY seeking forgiveness.  I can only be forgiven because I am washed in Jesus’ blood.  Sometimes I deeply hurt people when I sin, but I have to trust that God will loosen those people’s hearts towards me so that they are able to forgive me too.

THE VOICE OF CONFUSION

I have Bi-Polar.  I wasn't diagnosed until my mid 20's, but I've probably dealt with it most of my life.  Even in in 2022, mental health is still a taboo subject in many societies.  It can already be an embarrassing  condition, and when you add  the negative stigma that can already accompany mental illness, it can truly be overwhelming.

I think if I could say, ask, one thing of people who encounter someone who is Bi-Polar or who is dealing with any type of mental health problem , is please be kind and patient.   I know I, for one, already feel bad and guilty for the way I think and sometimes the way I act.

Now, please note, I'm not using my mental health as a cop-out, because I am accountable for my words and actions.

Please,  try not to shame or discourage a person dealing with mental health issues. That, in my case, makes whatever I'm going through 10 times worse because I'm not only having to deal with the issue at hand, but now I feel guilty, shamed and worried about how my mental health effects you.

Of course my mental health effects those around me, all I can do is to pray-and take my meds-that I can get control over my mental health issues.

THE VOICE OF KNOWLEDGE

 Beside my marriage and my little people(and yes, I will ALWAYS call them my little people!), my greatest achievement is my college degree. 

I was never an A/B student.  I'm more of a B/C girl.  (I choose to believe MATH and SCIENCE are a figment of my imagination that only exists in an alternate universe!).  I always wanted to go to college.  My parents always encouraged me in this area.  I was the first in my family to go and to graduate from college.  I'm very proud of this.

`However...

When you're disabled, many people seem to automatically think that you are not as smart as they are.  This belief seems to expand over multiple versions of disabilities.  Living in a nursing home, you have people who talk down to you and assume that since you live here, you don't know how to take care of yourself.  There is a big difference between not knowing how to take care of yourself and not being able to take care of yourself.  I can tell you how I need to stand and pivot to get in and out of bed.  I can tell you what foods I like and what I don't like, and which ones cause me to choke.  I know what clothes I want to put one each day.

I used to have my degree hanging  above my bed - just waiting to get it hung up again.  This way, whoever takes care of me has to look at my degree and understand that I am smart and I can and will be a prominent voice in the way I'm cared for.  

THE VOICE OF FORGIVING YOURSELF

 Ephesians 4:32

The Gospel, the entire bible, is a story of a loving GOD who forgives us.  We didn't ask for it - we wouldn't even know what to ask for.  We don't deserve it and we can't forgive others until we acknowledge that GOD has forgiven me.

But,  how do I forgive myself?

It has been said that you are your own worst critic.

From the time we are born, the constant noise of voices  taunt our ears.  Voices that tell us everything from to what to eat to who our friends should be.  Voices  that can heavily suggest what we should study in school, who we should marry and even what our faith system should  be.

                           VOICES...VOICES...VOICES

How do we know what voices to listen to?

How do we separate our voice from the thousands of voices that bombard us every day?  

All the voices we hear are supposed to help us find our voice, not to determine it.

Because we here so many voices, we feel judged.  When we feel judged,  we feel guilty, and when we feel guilty, we start doubting ourselves.

 We want to please everyone and when we can't...when I can't

I feel like I've sinned

If I fall...I should have watched where I was going.

If I drop or spill something....I should have paid better attention.

If someone can't here or understand, me, its my fault for not speaking correctly.

While some are valid points, many aren't.  

If you've known me for more than 5 minutes, you know my go to phrase is "I'm sorry."

I guess I don't want to feel like a "burden" to anyone.

Of course, the are other things.  BIGGER things that we can't forgive ourselves for either...

LIKE

Have I shown my husband the love and respect he deserves?

Do my kids know I love them MORE THAN ANYTHING?

Have I been the daughter and sister I need to be?

Have I given my friend a ear when she need to talk?

Did I befriend the news patient in the nursing home?

Did I smile at the weary nursing home employees who seems to be having a bad day?

Did I pray when God prompted me to?

VOICES...VOICES...VOICES

HOWEVER

We are all going to fail.

ROMANS 3:23 says

"WE ALL SIN AND FALL SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD"

There are times when we sin and we need to feel guilty

BUT THEN

1 JOHN 1:9 tells us

"IF WE CONFESS OUR SIN, HE IS FAITHFUL AND JUST AND WILL FORGIVE OUR SINS AND PURIFY US FROM ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS"

PLUS, `JOHN 8:36 says;

"IF THE LORD SETS YOU FREE, YOU  ARE FREE INDEED."

While I know this is true, it is still hard to quiet the voices in my head.

So, I have to remind myself over and over and over again...

If God can forgive me, 

I can forgive myself!

My Calling in Disguise

I'm one of those who thinks everyone and everything has a purpose.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says: (NIV)

    There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens.

            a time to be born and a time to die

            a time to plant and a time to uproot

            a  time to kill and a time to heal

            a time to tear and a time to build up

            a time to weep and a time to laugh

            a time to mourn and a time to dance

            a time to scatter stones and a time to gether them

            a time to embrace and a time to refrain from

            embracing

            a time to search and a time to give up

            a time to keep and a time to throw away

            a time to tear and a time to mend

            a time to be silent and a time to speak

            a time to love and time to hate

             a time fore war and   

             a time for peace

Not only is this in the Bible, but the Mamas and the Papas wrote a song about it!!!

When I was 13, I started going to visit a nursing home once month with  my church.

                                     I   LOVED IT!!!

Something in me just clicked....I felt like I belong and I really enjoyed working with the  residents.

Then I met...

                                           HER!!!

 I can't remember her name (which is sad that I can't remember the name of of the women that shaped so much of my life).  She was in her mid 50s and she had Cerebral Palsy.  I think she had been institutionalized for most, if not all, all of her life.  I can just remember being scared, thinking; I don't want to end like her.

So, I went to college at MTSU.  My major was in social work and my minor was in gerontology (The study of getting old -yes, this is a thing).  I wanted be an advocate for those who didn't have a voice.  The elderly is a part of society that time sometimes forgets.  I wanted, at one point wanted to an adult daycare.  I really think that with the price of insurance rising and that there are many younger disabled people who need more advance care, the adult day facilities  are becoming more popular because many families are choosing to ro keep the loved ones at home.

So what changed?

You guessed it...

                              BOY MEETS GIRL

                              BOY MARRIES GIRL 

                              BOY AND GIRL HAVE

                    A DALTON AND A BOBBYE

Now, I love being married and I loved staying home with my kids.   Like many women, I thought when I the kids got older and in school I'd get a job but I physically couldn't.  We were very blessed and GOD gave Barrett a great job and has always provided for our needs.

So, I posted yesterday about how I  chose to live in a nursing home.  It's certainly doesn't evade that I did end up in a nursing home:  I just thought I be working in one not living in one.  You know the old saying...when you plan, GOD laughs

I do believe that GOD has me here for such a time as this.  In here I am able to be a friend to a person who may not have anyone else to /  I can smile at a tech or a nurse who's having a bad day.  I can pray when I see a family who are having to say goodbye to there loved ones.  I can advocate when I see there is something  wrong.  

Yes, there is a time for everything under the heavens! 

A START ANEW

 Heyia!!!  So, it's been a moment or two since I've blogged.  It's been four years and coincides with a major change in my health and my life.  In the summer of 2018, we went to Florida and I fell in the bathroom.  It was then I looked at Barrett and said; "Its time."

We always knew that there was a high possibility  I would end up in a long term care facility.  It was hard to make the decision.   I have always told Barrett that I wanted to be one to decide when I needed more help.  I didn't want him or especially Dalton and Bobbye to have to make that decision and feel guilty: they do feel to some extent.  It's one thing to have to decide as a middle aged adult to put your elderly parent (65+) into a nursing facility, it's another to be 19 and 16 to have put your 45 year old Mama in one.

I have many people who judge us; especially Barrett.  It is easy to say;  "Well, I'd  never do that to my loved one."  You don't know what you'd do in our situation.  A couple of days before I moved in here, I fell.  I didn't have my phone (my fault).  Barrett was at work, Bobbye was at school and Dalton was asleep at the other end of the house.  I laid here for a couple of hours.  They needed to be able to  go out and do what they  need to do without worrying about me being OK.  The kids have to have their own life.  People like to say "O, why don't you have home health come and help out?"  Great idea!  Home health is expensive, and most insurance doesn't pay for it.  My Mama has some friends who are a bit more financially comfortable than we are, they've been using home health for about 2 years and it's really been rough for them.  I don't think that when we judge others and say "Well, if..." we count all the costs, because we don't know all the costs.  I'm also bipolar, which can be just as taxing, if not more, as a physical disability on a relationship.  It's better for all of us to see each other once or twice a week and have a really good time, than to  be with each other day by day and be stressed and even resentful towards each other.