It is hard to be a Christain when you have a mental illness. You are often made to feel guilty because it takes you out of the neat little box that Christians are " supposed" to fit into. We are told that if we pray more, read our bibles more, and had more "godly" friends, we wouldn't feel the way we do.
Honesty, if it was the state of your mental health that was determined by these factors, well... I probably wouldn't be writing this post.
But I am.
It's embarrassing to admit that...you're not happy even though you have everything you could possibly need or want...You can be happy and laughing one minute and crying and sad the next...You think of making choices that you think will help people but in reality, will cause them grief.
It's a constant struggle between how you feel and what you know to be true - and it's a toss-up as to which one will win.
You may be made to feel like if you think this way you are wrong because "normal" people don't have constant thoughts of unhappiness, doubt, and even fear.
These thoughts are not something that you can turn off like a faucet; even though some people think you can.
Many times, most times for me, you live minute by minute, breath by breath; Like a fall leaf swirling in the wind, you can only guess which side it will land.
You smile and try to convince people that you're OK, but inside you're being tortured, silently yelling out in pain.
But in the end, you do what needs to be done and what you've always done...you keep it bottled up. You don't want to embarrass anyone or cause them to be inconvenienced. You apologize for anything and everything you do that interrupts what they are doing at the time; even a simple thing as spilling water can cause you to feel worthless because at some point in time you were made to feel bad and/or guilty because of this.
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