Mental Health: The Art of Being Alone

 Having a mental illness is very lonely.

It is said, we all die alone.

But, for the most part, we all live alone too.

People without a mental illness can't understand why a person with a mental illness thinks the way they do.

My mind is constantly racing:  Did I say thank you to that person who held the door open for me?  If I thought the way so and so did I'd be happy.  I wouldn't have dropped my drink on the ground if only I'd paid more attention.  If I prayed more I wouldn't have impure thoughts.  If I was a better friend, that person feel so alone.

IF...IF...IF....

I worry that my thinking is flawed and somehow that makes me a worse person than others. 

Because others can't understand my way of thinking, I feel constantly judged by them.

The thing about being alone is that the longer you're alone, the more used to being alone you get.  If you're alone long enough, you may get to the point where you prefer it that way.

I take several different medicines for my mental illness.  Many of the meds make me tired.  However, if I don't take my meds, my mental illness gets worse; thus it is a trade-off.

I can be alone and not have my mental illness hurt others OR  I can be with others and risk hurting them because I'm mentally ill.

UHM...

I would rather be alone than hurt the ones I love.  

But, do I have enough strength to perfect the art of being alone???

Thankful Thursday: Barrett

 

Photo by Poxabay 

Today is Barrett's birthday (Yes, I call my husband by his last name; have since we met).

You know, every once in a while,  you meet someone who changes your life FOREVER!!!

There is a big difference between being friends with someone who is disabled and being married to someone who is disabled; especially when that person has a mental illness., also.

They willing take on a responsibility that abled-bodied couples don't assume.

Barrett took this on whole heartily  He loved me even when I thought   I would never experience a love like that.

While the physical aspect of a disability is taunting in itself, when you add a mental illness to the mix, it's a whole new ball game.

And he has stuck by me through everything; even though I know there are days, hours, even minutes where he wants to walk away, forever.

But, he hasn't.

That's true love.  I am so thankful he loves and stand by me.

Wednesday's Word - Selfishness

 

Photo by Clipartmax 

I'm a very SELFISH person & have been told so by numerous people.

I, of course, try to deny it.  I think; no, I know, that I have used my Cerebral Palsy to get things I wanted.  There are aspects of disabilities that (may) cause people to need things done for them that people without disabilities take for granted.

This post is not necessarily about my physical needs being met, but it's about me being entitled and demanding that people do stuff for me that I could do for myself.  Sometimes, I think people  "owe" me something because I am disabled.

Oftentimes, I composed my selfishness as a  question.  "Will you do such and such for me, please?"

Unfortunately, when it comes to my husband and my kids, It is more of a  demand; not even accompanied by "please" or "thank you".

Philippians 2:3 says "Do nothing of selfish ambition or vain conceit.   Rather in humility, value others above yourself." (NIV)

The 10th  commandment tells us not to covet.  If you think about it, when you want something that is not yours, you're being selfish.

It would be so easy for me to sit here and write that everyone is selfish from birth, due to initial sin.  They are,  but as I stated earlier,   this post is about me being entitled and demanding.

I've been told that I start all my sentences with "I".

Many people think that if you're selfish you'll have this amazing life,  with friends and pleasures galore.  

In my experience, the more selfish I become, the lonelier and more miserable I become.   No one wants to be around someone who only cares about themself.

So, how do I become  "unselfish"?

I can't without GOD,  

I have to die to myself daily; to learn how to put   GOD and others before myself.  

Mental Health Mondays: Aftermath

 

Photo by Clipart Library

Happy New Year!

The holidays are officially behind us and unfortunately, I suffered some mental episodes.  I am highly embarrassed by this. 

One of the things about my mental illness is that I truly believe that these episodes will never happen again.  I try to convince others of this too.

You can only promise people something so many times before they stop believing you.

It's not so much they stop believing you as it is the fact that they stop getting their hopes up that you will change.

They are protecting themself from getting hurt again. (I truly never realized this before I wrote this sentence.)

People have a hard time understanding themselves, let alone understanding others.

Sometimes, most times, I see where others are trying to protect themselves as them rejecting me.

This is when I need to run, lock myself in my prayer closet and stay there until GOD has strengthened me again.

Be patient for my next blog, I may be in there for a while.😊🥺

A Christmas Memories-Kindness in a Bitter Sweet Moment

 

Photo by Kindpng

I don't know know if this qualifies as a good Christmas memory or not.

It was the first Christmas after Mama and Daddy separated.  I had just turned 17.  We knew Christmas would be very different that year.  

As we were getting ready to go to my aunt and uncle's house, someone knocked on the door. No one was there, but there were 4 big garbage bags and 3 smaller bags.

There was a tag on each that sack that said: "From Santa".

We never found out who the "Santa" was. (I have my suspicions, but will probably never know).

The strangest thing was that Mama's gift was a "Mother's Ring". Jimmy, Luke, and I had wanted to get her one for Christmas, but couldn't afford it.

NO ONE knew this except Daddy, but I don't think he was financially able to accomplish that.

We had other blessings that year.

A lady from our church worked as a waitress and her restaurant adopted us.  They had a lovely meal for us and gifts too.   

I think we had people leave money in our mailbox, too.

Christmas is such a beautiful holiday that gives us so many opportunities to show GOD's love to others.  Even if it's just a smile and a "Merry Christmas".

One Word: Holiday

Photo by PNGKEY

 The word holiday comes from Old English where the word originally referred to special religious days.  Morden uses of the word vary geographically.  In  North America, it means any dedicated day or period of celebration.

Definition on Goggle

The controversy over saying "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" has been going on for years.

This debate has never made sense to me.

It is a greeting of good wishes; why not say 'thank you' or nothing at all?

I don't think anyone has ever corrected me, but I have heard people talking about how people have been told not to wish them "Merry Christmas" because they don't believe in and/or don't celebrate Christmas.

Bah Humbug!

The word "holiday" is a compound word. "Holy" and "Day".

Holy means:

Especially recognized or declared sacred by religious use or authority; consecrated

and

Dedicated or devoted to the service of God,  church or religion.

So, if "holy" means devoted to the service of GOD, wouldn't the true definition of "holiday" means "a day devoted to GOD"?

So, it seems to mean that saying "Happy Holidays" is in a sense referring the same as, if not more than saying "Merry Christmas".

So, whether you say "Happy Holidays" or "Merry Christmas", I pray that you and yours enjoy each other during this most sacred time of year.

About Me Tuesday: Loneliness

 

Photo by Kind PNG        

"The Lord God says it is not good for man to be alone." Gen 2:18

I tested positive for COVID, and many other residents did too.   So, once again, we're grounded to our room.

I currently do not have a roommate, which for the most part, I love.  It is nice to have your own refuge to retreat to.

But...I start to go a little stir-crazy when I can't get out for a couple days.

However, life at the Waters is never dull.

We have more than one "wanders" on our hall.  Some of them like to go into others' rooms without being invited.

Well, one resident called the police because there was someone that kept coming in and out of her room.

I guess the social worker/gerontologist in me got upset because I know and understand that some residents don't realize what they're doing and it needs to be handled by the people who run the nursing home.

or

Maybe it's because a couple of months ago, a tech, who had no right to do it, called the cops on me because I got upset.  She had gone `over the nurses and even the director of nurse's, head. and had me sent to the hospital.  She no longer works here - but that's a story for another day.

Hopefully, on Friday I will be released to rip and from through the halls again.