One Word Wednesday - Self-Love

 

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I think many of us confuse "SELF-LOVE" with "SELFISHNESS".

Years ago, I wrote in my prayer journal; "How can I love for others if I don't love and pray for myself first.

We are taught from an early age that it is better to give than receive - which most of the time is.

However, we can't give what we don't have.  How can I give yo $10 when I don't even have $5???

Gary Chapman wrote the "Love Languages" books.  In them, he talks about how we have to speak other people's love language.  My love language is affection and touch.  Barrett's (my husband) love language is acts of service.  I keep trying to be affectionate with him (like I want him to be with me) and he does nice stuff for me( like what he wants to be done for him).

It is a battle of the wills, and we both end up losing.

We have to love ourselves enough to be able to stand up for what we need.

About Me Tuesday: Judy Blume

 

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• Photo by Clip Art Max
  

When  I was in 2nd or 3rd grade, I got a set off  Judy Blume books.

I loved them.  I mean who couldn't love Fudge??? 

I was reading one day and I had an epiphany...

If she could write, why couldn't I???

Tbus, now  I'm a writer.

Mental Health and God

 

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It is hard to be a Christain AND have a mental illness.

When I was younger (and even now) people would tell me that if my faith were greater or if I prayed more I wouldn't be disabled (or God would take my disability away)/\.

This is, by the way, an AWFUL thing to say to someone!!!

I do think that if I was a better person, a better Christian, a better wife, a better mother, a better friend, a better...a better...a better...

Then I wouldn't have a mental illness!!!

Am I being punished????

The more I spiral into my mental illness I go, the more askew my view of God becomes.

It reigns from guilt to blame to acceptance to hatred to love and back again.

The circle of... insanity.

There are days when it takes every fiber in my body not to do something I can't take back.

I know this thinking is irrational and self-centered and is totally selfish because there are people who are truly irrational and self-centered; those who truly NEED help.

Somehow, in my opinion, we either think we are more deserving than others or we think we are less deserving than others.  

I tend to think I am less deserving than others.

(Some people say that this in itself makes me self-centered.)

Sometimes I wonder if GOD only gives us so many chances in this life, and I've reached my limit.

Mental Health: The Art of Being Alone

 Having a mental illness is very lonely.

It is said, we all die alone.

But, for the most part, we all live alone too.

People without a mental illness can't understand why a person with a mental illness thinks the way they do.

My mind is constantly racing:  Did I say thank you to that person who held the door open for me?  If I thought the way so and so did I'd be happy.  I wouldn't have dropped my drink on the ground if only I'd paid more attention.  If I prayed more I wouldn't have impure thoughts.  If I was a better friend, that person feel so alone.

IF...IF...IF....

I worry that my thinking is flawed and somehow that makes me a worse person than others. 

Because others can't understand my way of thinking, I feel constantly judged by them.

The thing about being alone is that the longer you're alone, the more used to being alone you get.  If you're alone long enough, you may get to the point where you prefer it that way.

I take several different medicines for my mental illness.  Many of the meds make me tired.  However, if I don't take my meds, my mental illness gets worse; thus it is a trade-off.

I can be alone and not have my mental illness hurt others OR  I can be with others and risk hurting them because I'm mentally ill.

UHM...

I would rather be alone than hurt the ones I love.  

But, do I have enough strength to perfect the art of being alone???

Thankful Thursday: Barrett

 

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Today is Barrett's birthday (Yes, I call my husband by his last name; have since we met).

You know, every once in a while,  you meet someone who changes your life FOREVER!!!

There is a big difference between being friends with someone who is disabled and being married to someone who is disabled; especially when that person has a mental illness., also.

They willing take on a responsibility that abled-bodied couples don't assume.

Barrett took this on whole heartily  He loved me even when I thought   I would never experience a love like that.

While the physical aspect of a disability is taunting in itself, when you add a mental illness to the mix, it's a whole new ball game.

And he has stuck by me through everything; even though I know there are days, hours, even minutes where he wants to walk away, forever.

But, he hasn't.

That's true love.  I am so thankful he loves and stand by me.

Wednesday's Word - Selfishness

 

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I'm a very SELFISH person & have been told so by numerous people.

I, of course, try to deny it.  I think; no, I know, that I have used my Cerebral Palsy to get things I wanted.  There are aspects of disabilities that (may) cause people to need things done for them that people without disabilities take for granted.

This post is not necessarily about my physical needs being met, but it's about me being entitled and demanding that people do stuff for me that I could do for myself.  Sometimes, I think people  "owe" me something because I am disabled.

Oftentimes, I composed my selfishness as a  question.  "Will you do such and such for me, please?"

Unfortunately, when it comes to my husband and my kids, It is more of a  demand; not even accompanied by "please" or "thank you".

Philippians 2:3 says "Do nothing of selfish ambition or vain conceit.   Rather in humility, value others above yourself." (NIV)

The 10th  commandment tells us not to covet.  If you think about it, when you want something that is not yours, you're being selfish.

It would be so easy for me to sit here and write that everyone is selfish from birth, due to initial sin.  They are,  but as I stated earlier,   this post is about me being entitled and demanding.

I've been told that I start all my sentences with "I".

Many people think that if you're selfish you'll have this amazing life,  with friends and pleasures galore.  

In my experience, the more selfish I become, the lonelier and more miserable I become.   No one wants to be around someone who only cares about themself.

So, how do I become  "unselfish"?

I can't without GOD,  

I have to die to myself daily; to learn how to put   GOD and others before myself.  

Mental Health Mondays: Aftermath

 

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Happy New Year!

The holidays are officially behind us and unfortunately, I suffered some mental episodes.  I am highly embarrassed by this. 

One of the things about my mental illness is that I truly believe that these episodes will never happen again.  I try to convince others of this too.

You can only promise people something so many times before they stop believing you.

It's not so much they stop believing you as it is the fact that they stop getting their hopes up that you will change.

They are protecting themself from getting hurt again. (I truly never realized this before I wrote this sentence.)

People have a hard time understanding themselves, let alone understanding others.

Sometimes, most times, I see where others are trying to protect themselves as them rejecting me.

This is when I need to run, lock myself in my prayer closet and stay there until GOD has strengthened me again.

Be patient for my next blog, I may be in there for a while.😊🥺