HEATHER'S VOICES: My Voice from my 21 Year Old Self

HEATHER'S VOICES: My Voice To My 21 Year Old Self: Remember when the teachers use to make us write a letter to our future or past selves?  Here's another one...   It's your 21st birth...

My Voice To My 21 Year Old Self

Remember when the teachers use to make us write a letter to our future or past selves?  Here's another one...

 

It's your 21st birthday.  You have finals tomorrow, but don't worry, Becki's taking you to Nashville Friday night.

When you're 22, you'll get your one and only tattoo.  It's a small teddy bear on the inside of your left ankle.  This way, no matter what job you get as a Social Worker, you'll be able to hide it when you need to and show off when you want to.  You believed the Bible loosely says that you are not supposed to make cuts on your body and that your body is a temple of GOD.  You didn't see your body as a temple of GOD.  So, naturally, you got a tattoo.  You'll like it until your 4-year-old daughter asks if she can get a tattoo.  (PS. she'll get one when she 17.)

When you're 23, you'll take a Philophsy class during a 2-and-a-half-week summer class (turns out you even need the class) that will change your life forever. You'll meet the guy you've been praying for.  His name is Barrett and he'll tell you he just wants to be "friends".  So, you'll be "best friends" for a year.  Right after you graduate from MTSU with your BSW, he'll tell you he loves you.

You will marry your best friend and the love of your life on November 7, 1998.

On July 13, 1999, You'll have a little baby boy. Dalton Keith and your greatest job as a Mama will begin.

In July of 2002, you'll be 6 months pregnant with Bobbye Susanna and you'll find out you're in preterm labor; this will win you a 6-week vacation in the hospital.  One of the hardest days you'll ever have is the day your 3-year-old will call you and he'll say "Mama, please let me come home. I promise I'll be a good boy."  It will break your heart and you'll cry for hours.  On September 5th, you'll give birth to the most beautiful, precious little girl in the world.

In the summer of 2018, you'll be on vacation and you'll fall.  You'll look up at Barrett and say "It's time," and you'll know he'll understand what you're talking about.  You've always wanted to be the one to decide when you needed more care and decide when it was time to go to a nursing home; you didn't want him or the kids to have to make the decision.  Although it gets hard at times, you know it's been the best thing for the whole family.  It has also allowed you to use that Social Work degree.  Well, your minor was in gerontology and all...Plus, you've met people and friends you might have never met otherwise.

Those are the big moments. But remember, these moments are surrounded by smaller ones that are equally important.  Enjoy yourself. Love and pray for everyone like it's the last thing you'll ever do. Never regret telling people you love them. Make more friends than enemies.  Forgive others, even if they don't apologize and you think they should.  Trus GOD even when, especially when, you don't want to.

And...and...

Forgive and love yourself...Because GOD does.

THE VOICE OF MY MARRIAGE PRAYER

 

Our engagement pic ~~ 1998

"Don't urge me to leave or turn back from you.  Where you go I will go and where you stay I will stay.  Your people will be my people and your God will be my God.  Where you die I will die and there I will be buried.  May God deal with me, be it ever so severely if anything but death separates me from you." (Ruth 1:16)

Yesterday, I talked about Ruth and how she is my biblical heroine and this verse is one reason why.  Years ago I heard someone talking about choosing a bible verse to pray over your marriage.  I chose this one because even though it is something that was said by Ruth to her mother-in-law, it can apply to marriage too.  Marriage is hard and anyone who says it has never left the altar.

{Side Note: I am not judging anyone's relationship. It's none of my business.  I don't want anyone to judge Barrett and my relationship because there are aspects of our relationship that no one knows about except Barrett and me.}

I chose Ruth 1:16 as my marriage prayer because I do want this to work. Our relationship can be really rough at times.  I love this man more than anything!!!!  I don't think either one can point to any one certain thing that is wrong, but because we are 2 broken people and we will be broken until we get to Heaven.  Because we are 2 broken people, we will have issues in our marriage.  I've devoted my life to this man; regardless of whether he's devoted to me (PS, he is!!!)  I want him to know that I'm just as devoted to him today as I was when I said "I do" on November 7, 1998.

On a bigger scale~sorry Barrett~I think this verse also reflects our relationship with GOD because we are supposed to follow HIM wherever HE leads us and HE doesn't want anything to come between us (I don't either!)  As close as I want to be to Barrett, I want to be even closer to GOD.

Us~uhm...later

 

THE VOICE OF RUTH - FAVORITE BIBLICAL WOMAN

 

Mary is probably the most famous women in the Bible and many people's favorite biblical heroines  She did give birth to the Savior the world, so there's that.

That being said, who is your next favorite biblical woman?

When I was a young wife and Mama I wanted to be a Proverbs 31 girl, as many others do.  But, I always fell short (I've heard biblical commentaries talking about how the Proverbs 31 Woman was probably not just one woman, but vast examples of the qualities a godly woman should have. Maybe I'll blog about this sometime.)

While the bible is full of women heroines.   Mine is Ruth: she wasn't the mother of all creation. She wasn't a queen who persuade the king to spare the Jews-risking her own life. She wasn't a judge.  She didn't give Jesus a cup of water or wash His feet with her tears...

She was a simple peasant girl; widowed, with no where else to go.  She chose to cling to her mother-in-law and vowed to follow her ever she went.  Ruth 1:16 says:

Where you go I will go and where you stay I will stay.   You people will be my people and you GOD will be my God.  Where you die I will die and there I will be buried.  May the LORD deal with me ever so severely if anything but death separates you and me.

There are two tones to the story.  The first is the story of a dutiful daughter-in-law who loves and obeys her mother-in-law.  and went to find food.  While on this pursuit, she meets Boaz who treated her kindly.  He was a relative of Ruth's late husband and a kinsman redeemer.

Now, we must remember and understand that back  then, women were seen as property and not really as humans.  They "needed" to be "taken" care of.  It was actually a business transaction and she needed someone to "buy" her in order to "take care" of her.  

Boaz wasn't Ruth's late husband's nearest kinsmen redeemer, but the male relative  that was closer kinsmen redeemer  had too much to lose to "take" care of her.

So Boaz redeemed her and they became ancestors of our LORD, JESUS.

The reason I love Ruth is she's simple and pure.  She doesn't try to be something she's not.  She's content to settle down, get married and have a baby.  I believe that this is the life GOD intended for us when HE first created Adam and Eve.

The other tone of the story is a preview of Jesus.  He is the great kinsmen redeemer; the only one who has no sin and therefore is the only one who is pure enough to stand in our place and die for our sins to regain our favor with GOD.

A LEGEND OF THE NORMANS - THE SOUND OF PAPA'S LAUGH

 

 

    On Christmas I guess I was 11 or 12, which would have made big brother, Jimbo, 14 or 15.  Either him or one of the other boys had gotten a BB GUN for Christmas,  This was a prized gift in our house.  So, Jimbo and my Papa go out to a field, which  also served as grave yard for broken down old cars.  (Don't most people have car grave yards in their back yard???)

Anyway, somehow Papa shot through a car window.  He told Jimbo told hold the BB GUN.  Jimbo said no and started running towards the house because he knew he'd be in a heap of trouble if our daddy thought he had shot through the window.

Well, my Papa started laughing.  Now you have to know, my Papa was maybe 5" standing on his tippy toes!  So, when he laughed it was larger than life.  It was a laugh that was contagious.  The kind of laugh that lasted a good 5 minutes.  The kind that every time you think of it throughout the day, you laugh just as hard as you did when it first happened.

I really miss that laugh!

I'm sure Jimbo will correct me where I am wrong, but for now it's a LEGEND OF THE NORMANS!

THE VOICE OF OPPOSITION

So, I am one of those people who messes up on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis.  It may be sticking my foot in my mouth or not paying attention and knocking over a bottle of soda on a freshly clean floor.  I am a walking disaster;  I'm walking in sin, if you may. No one understands this better than the Apostle Paul when he said in Romans 7:15-20 New International Version (NIV)

“15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.”

Now, while this is not a coverall for all sin, it does remind us that EVERYONE IS A SINNER! We must come to the cross DAILY seeking forgiveness.  I can only be forgiven because I am washed in Jesus’ blood.  Sometimes I deeply hurt people when I sin, but I have to trust that God will loosen those people’s hearts towards me so that they are able to forgive me too.

THE VOICE OF CONFUSION

I have Bi-Polar.  I wasn't diagnosed until my mid 20's, but I've probably dealt with it most of my life.  Even in in 2022, mental health is still a taboo subject in many societies.  It can already be an embarrassing  condition, and when you add  the negative stigma that can already accompany mental illness, it can truly be overwhelming.

I think if I could say, ask, one thing of people who encounter someone who is Bi-Polar or who is dealing with any type of mental health problem , is please be kind and patient.   I know I, for one, already feel bad and guilty for the way I think and sometimes the way I act.

Now, please note, I'm not using my mental health as a cop-out, because I am accountable for my words and actions.

Please,  try not to shame or discourage a person dealing with mental health issues. That, in my case, makes whatever I'm going through 10 times worse because I'm not only having to deal with the issue at hand, but now I feel guilty, shamed and worried about how my mental health effects you.

Of course my mental health effects those around me, all I can do is to pray-and take my meds-that I can get control over my mental health issues.

THE VOICE OF KNOWLEDGE

 Beside my marriage and my little people(and yes, I will ALWAYS call them my little people!), my greatest achievement is my college degree. 

I was never an A/B student.  I'm more of a B/C girl.  (I choose to believe MATH and SCIENCE are a figment of my imagination that only exists in an alternate universe!).  I always wanted to go to college.  My parents always encouraged me in this area.  I was the first in my family to go and to graduate from college.  I'm very proud of this.

`However...

When you're disabled, many people seem to automatically think that you are not as smart as they are.  This belief seems to expand over multiple versions of disabilities.  Living in a nursing home, you have people who talk down to you and assume that since you live here, you don't know how to take care of yourself.  There is a big difference between not knowing how to take care of yourself and not being able to take care of yourself.  I can tell you how I need to stand and pivot to get in and out of bed.  I can tell you what foods I like and what I don't like, and which ones cause me to choke.  I know what clothes I want to put one each day.

I used to have my degree hanging  above my bed - just waiting to get it hung up again.  This way, whoever takes care of me has to look at my degree and understand that I am smart and I can and will be a prominent voice in the way I'm cared for.  

THE VOICE OF FORGIVING YOURSELF

 Ephesians 4:32

The Gospel, the entire bible, is a story of a loving GOD who forgives us.  We didn't ask for it - we wouldn't even know what to ask for.  We don't deserve it and we can't forgive others until we acknowledge that GOD has forgiven me.

But,  how do I forgive myself?

It has been said that you are your own worst critic.

From the time we are born, the constant noise of voices  taunt our ears.  Voices that tell us everything from to what to eat to who our friends should be.  Voices  that can heavily suggest what we should study in school, who we should marry and even what our faith system should  be.

                           VOICES...VOICES...VOICES

How do we know what voices to listen to?

How do we separate our voice from the thousands of voices that bombard us every day?  

All the voices we hear are supposed to help us find our voice, not to determine it.

Because we here so many voices, we feel judged.  When we feel judged,  we feel guilty, and when we feel guilty, we start doubting ourselves.

 We want to please everyone and when we can't...when I can't

I feel like I've sinned

If I fall...I should have watched where I was going.

If I drop or spill something....I should have paid better attention.

If someone can't here or understand, me, its my fault for not speaking correctly.

While some are valid points, many aren't.  

If you've known me for more than 5 minutes, you know my go to phrase is "I'm sorry."

I guess I don't want to feel like a "burden" to anyone.

Of course, the are other things.  BIGGER things that we can't forgive ourselves for either...

LIKE

Have I shown my husband the love and respect he deserves?

Do my kids know I love them MORE THAN ANYTHING?

Have I been the daughter and sister I need to be?

Have I given my friend a ear when she need to talk?

Did I befriend the news patient in the nursing home?

Did I smile at the weary nursing home employees who seems to be having a bad day?

Did I pray when God prompted me to?

VOICES...VOICES...VOICES

HOWEVER

We are all going to fail.

ROMANS 3:23 says

"WE ALL SIN AND FALL SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD"

There are times when we sin and we need to feel guilty

BUT THEN

1 JOHN 1:9 tells us

"IF WE CONFESS OUR SIN, HE IS FAITHFUL AND JUST AND WILL FORGIVE OUR SINS AND PURIFY US FROM ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS"

PLUS, `JOHN 8:36 says;

"IF THE LORD SETS YOU FREE, YOU  ARE FREE INDEED."

While I know this is true, it is still hard to quiet the voices in my head.

So, I have to remind myself over and over and over again...

If God can forgive me, 

I can forgive myself!

My Calling in Disguise

I'm one of those who thinks everyone and everything has a purpose.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says: (NIV)

    There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens.

            a time to be born and a time to die

            a time to plant and a time to uproot

            a  time to kill and a time to heal

            a time to tear and a time to build up

            a time to weep and a time to laugh

            a time to mourn and a time to dance

            a time to scatter stones and a time to gether them

            a time to embrace and a time to refrain from

            embracing

            a time to search and a time to give up

            a time to keep and a time to throw away

            a time to tear and a time to mend

            a time to be silent and a time to speak

            a time to love and time to hate

             a time fore war and   

             a time for peace

Not only is this in the Bible, but the Mamas and the Papas wrote a song about it!!!

When I was 13, I started going to visit a nursing home once month with  my church.

                                     I   LOVED IT!!!

Something in me just clicked....I felt like I belong and I really enjoyed working with the  residents.

Then I met...

                                           HER!!!

 I can't remember her name (which is sad that I can't remember the name of of the women that shaped so much of my life).  She was in her mid 50s and she had Cerebral Palsy.  I think she had been institutionalized for most, if not all, all of her life.  I can just remember being scared, thinking; I don't want to end like her.

So, I went to college at MTSU.  My major was in social work and my minor was in gerontology (The study of getting old -yes, this is a thing).  I wanted be an advocate for those who didn't have a voice.  The elderly is a part of society that time sometimes forgets.  I wanted, at one point wanted to an adult daycare.  I really think that with the price of insurance rising and that there are many younger disabled people who need more advance care, the adult day facilities  are becoming more popular because many families are choosing to ro keep the loved ones at home.

So what changed?

You guessed it...

                              BOY MEETS GIRL

                              BOY MARRIES GIRL 

                              BOY AND GIRL HAVE

                    A DALTON AND A BOBBYE

Now, I love being married and I loved staying home with my kids.   Like many women, I thought when I the kids got older and in school I'd get a job but I physically couldn't.  We were very blessed and GOD gave Barrett a great job and has always provided for our needs.

So, I posted yesterday about how I  chose to live in a nursing home.  It's certainly doesn't evade that I did end up in a nursing home:  I just thought I be working in one not living in one.  You know the old saying...when you plan, GOD laughs

I do believe that GOD has me here for such a time as this.  In here I am able to be a friend to a person who may not have anyone else to /  I can smile at a tech or a nurse who's having a bad day.  I can pray when I see a family who are having to say goodbye to there loved ones.  I can advocate when I see there is something  wrong.  

Yes, there is a time for everything under the heavens! 

A START ANEW

 Heyia!!!  So, it's been a moment or two since I've blogged.  It's been four years and coincides with a major change in my health and my life.  In the summer of 2018, we went to Florida and I fell in the bathroom.  It was then I looked at Barrett and said; "Its time."

We always knew that there was a high possibility  I would end up in a long term care facility.  It was hard to make the decision.   I have always told Barrett that I wanted to be one to decide when I needed more help.  I didn't want him or especially Dalton and Bobbye to have to make that decision and feel guilty: they do feel to some extent.  It's one thing to have to decide as a middle aged adult to put your elderly parent (65+) into a nursing facility, it's another to be 19 and 16 to have put your 45 year old Mama in one.

I have many people who judge us; especially Barrett.  It is easy to say;  "Well, I'd  never do that to my loved one."  You don't know what you'd do in our situation.  A couple of days before I moved in here, I fell.  I didn't have my phone (my fault).  Barrett was at work, Bobbye was at school and Dalton was asleep at the other end of the house.  I laid here for a couple of hours.  They needed to be able to  go out and do what they  need to do without worrying about me being OK.  The kids have to have their own life.  People like to say "O, why don't you have home health come and help out?"  Great idea!  Home health is expensive, and most insurance doesn't pay for it.  My Mama has some friends who are a bit more financially comfortable than we are, they've been using home health for about 2 years and it's really been rough for them.  I don't think that when we judge others and say "Well, if..." we count all the costs, because we don't know all the costs.  I'm also bipolar, which can be just as taxing, if not more, as a physical disability on a relationship.  It's better for all of us to see each other once or twice a week and have a really good time, than to  be with each other day by day and be stressed and even resentful towards each other.