THE VOICE OF FORGIVING YOURSELF

 Ephesians 4:32

The Gospel, the entire bible, is a story of a loving GOD who forgives us.  We didn't ask for it - we wouldn't even know what to ask for.  We don't deserve it and we can't forgive others until we acknowledge that GOD has forgiven me.

But,  how do I forgive myself?

It has been said that you are your own worst critic.

From the time we are born, the constant noise of voices  taunt our ears.  Voices that tell us everything from to what to eat to who our friends should be.  Voices  that can heavily suggest what we should study in school, who we should marry and even what our faith system should  be.

                           VOICES...VOICES...VOICES

How do we know what voices to listen to?

How do we separate our voice from the thousands of voices that bombard us every day?  

All the voices we hear are supposed to help us find our voice, not to determine it.

Because we here so many voices, we feel judged.  When we feel judged,  we feel guilty, and when we feel guilty, we start doubting ourselves.

 We want to please everyone and when we can't...when I can't

I feel like I've sinned

If I fall...I should have watched where I was going.

If I drop or spill something....I should have paid better attention.

If someone can't here or understand, me, its my fault for not speaking correctly.

While some are valid points, many aren't.  

If you've known me for more than 5 minutes, you know my go to phrase is "I'm sorry."

I guess I don't want to feel like a "burden" to anyone.

Of course, the are other things.  BIGGER things that we can't forgive ourselves for either...

LIKE

Have I shown my husband the love and respect he deserves?

Do my kids know I love them MORE THAN ANYTHING?

Have I been the daughter and sister I need to be?

Have I given my friend a ear when she need to talk?

Did I befriend the news patient in the nursing home?

Did I smile at the weary nursing home employees who seems to be having a bad day?

Did I pray when God prompted me to?

VOICES...VOICES...VOICES

HOWEVER

We are all going to fail.

ROMANS 3:23 says

"WE ALL SIN AND FALL SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD"

There are times when we sin and we need to feel guilty

BUT THEN

1 JOHN 1:9 tells us

"IF WE CONFESS OUR SIN, HE IS FAITHFUL AND JUST AND WILL FORGIVE OUR SINS AND PURIFY US FROM ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS"

PLUS, `JOHN 8:36 says;

"IF THE LORD SETS YOU FREE, YOU  ARE FREE INDEED."

While I know this is true, it is still hard to quiet the voices in my head.

So, I have to remind myself over and over and over again...

If God can forgive me, 

I can forgive myself!

My Calling in Disguise

I'm one of those who thinks everyone and everything has a purpose.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says: (NIV)

    There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens.

            a time to be born and a time to die

            a time to plant and a time to uproot

            a  time to kill and a time to heal

            a time to tear and a time to build up

            a time to weep and a time to laugh

            a time to mourn and a time to dance

            a time to scatter stones and a time to gether them

            a time to embrace and a time to refrain from

            embracing

            a time to search and a time to give up

            a time to keep and a time to throw away

            a time to tear and a time to mend

            a time to be silent and a time to speak

            a time to love and time to hate

             a time fore war and   

             a time for peace

Not only is this in the Bible, but the Mamas and the Papas wrote a song about it!!!

When I was 13, I started going to visit a nursing home once month with  my church.

                                     I   LOVED IT!!!

Something in me just clicked....I felt like I belong and I really enjoyed working with the  residents.

Then I met...

                                           HER!!!

 I can't remember her name (which is sad that I can't remember the name of of the women that shaped so much of my life).  She was in her mid 50s and she had Cerebral Palsy.  I think she had been institutionalized for most, if not all, all of her life.  I can just remember being scared, thinking; I don't want to end like her.

So, I went to college at MTSU.  My major was in social work and my minor was in gerontology (The study of getting old -yes, this is a thing).  I wanted be an advocate for those who didn't have a voice.  The elderly is a part of society that time sometimes forgets.  I wanted, at one point wanted to an adult daycare.  I really think that with the price of insurance rising and that there are many younger disabled people who need more advance care, the adult day facilities  are becoming more popular because many families are choosing to ro keep the loved ones at home.

So what changed?

You guessed it...

                              BOY MEETS GIRL

                              BOY MARRIES GIRL 

                              BOY AND GIRL HAVE

                    A DALTON AND A BOBBYE

Now, I love being married and I loved staying home with my kids.   Like many women, I thought when I the kids got older and in school I'd get a job but I physically couldn't.  We were very blessed and GOD gave Barrett a great job and has always provided for our needs.

So, I posted yesterday about how I  chose to live in a nursing home.  It's certainly doesn't evade that I did end up in a nursing home:  I just thought I be working in one not living in one.  You know the old saying...when you plan, GOD laughs

I do believe that GOD has me here for such a time as this.  In here I am able to be a friend to a person who may not have anyone else to /  I can smile at a tech or a nurse who's having a bad day.  I can pray when I see a family who are having to say goodbye to there loved ones.  I can advocate when I see there is something  wrong.  

Yes, there is a time for everything under the heavens! 

A START ANEW

 Heyia!!!  So, it's been a moment or two since I've blogged.  It's been four years and coincides with a major change in my health and my life.  In the summer of 2018, we went to Florida and I fell in the bathroom.  It was then I looked at Barrett and said; "Its time."

We always knew that there was a high possibility  I would end up in a long term care facility.  It was hard to make the decision.   I have always told Barrett that I wanted to be one to decide when I needed more help.  I didn't want him or especially Dalton and Bobbye to have to make that decision and feel guilty: they do feel to some extent.  It's one thing to have to decide as a middle aged adult to put your elderly parent (65+) into a nursing facility, it's another to be 19 and 16 to have put your 45 year old Mama in one.

I have many people who judge us; especially Barrett.  It is easy to say;  "Well, I'd  never do that to my loved one."  You don't know what you'd do in our situation.  A couple of days before I moved in here, I fell.  I didn't have my phone (my fault).  Barrett was at work, Bobbye was at school and Dalton was asleep at the other end of the house.  I laid here for a couple of hours.  They needed to be able to  go out and do what they  need to do without worrying about me being OK.  The kids have to have their own life.  People like to say "O, why don't you have home health come and help out?"  Great idea!  Home health is expensive, and most insurance doesn't pay for it.  My Mama has some friends who are a bit more financially comfortable than we are, they've been using home health for about 2 years and it's really been rough for them.  I don't think that when we judge others and say "Well, if..." we count all the costs, because we don't know all the costs.  I'm also bipolar, which can be just as taxing, if not more, as a physical disability on a relationship.  It's better for all of us to see each other once or twice a week and have a really good time, than to  be with each other day by day and be stressed and even resentful towards each other.

I AM WONDERFULLY MADE

Growing with Cerebral Palsy, I didn't see my self as "special" or "wonderfully made".  No, in fact it was quite the opposite.  There was something wrong with me.  I wasn't like everyone else.  Not only did the word "special" hold a negative quality; there was NOTHING special about me.  I wasn't pretty, I walked like i was drunk, (I don't drink anymore, but when I did I walked fine), people made fun of me when I talked, and assumed that I wasn't smart.

The worst thing, though, was the STARES! (Looking back on it, I should have pretended I was famous and acted like a diva!).  People naturally look at someone who is different from them and I must admit, I do too.

Psalm 139: 13 says:

13 For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb

My disability did not occur until after I was born; I was strangled by the umbilical cord.  Therefore, I know that I was created specifically in my mother's womb.  The Bible actually uses the word knit, which implies that God took His time and made me uniquely.  He created me to be loving and kind, to have a heart for people and compassion.  

Psalm 139:14 says;

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.

While I don't think God caused me to be disabled, I do believe He allowed me to be disabled.  I praise Him for the Cerebral Palsy. (Not always, but I working on it.)    I believe that God allowed me to be disabled as part of my ministry.  I don't always understand why, but every now and then He gives me a glimpse of what my ministry is and it's beautiful!

Christianity and Mental Health - Part 2

There are many different theories and beliefs on mental health; in fact there are probably as many different opinions on mental health as they are types of mental illnesses themselves. Mental health has been around as long as life itself.  (I dare say Cain probably suffered severe when God abandoned him to the wilderness because he killed his bother).  Elijah (1 Kings 19:4), David (Psalms) and Job ( he has his own book) all suffered depression.
  
When we see that some of our biblical heroes, and even some of the biblical villains we love to hate like Saul and Nebuchadnezzar,  suffered with mental health issues.    It eases my mind some to know I'm in great company/
  
Solomon tells us in  Ecclesiastes 1:9`

History merely repeats itself. It has all been done before. Nothing under the sun is truly new.

Many Christians, however, project a negative image onto Christians who admit that they struggle with their mental health.  Many people are made to feel like they don't believe in God, they don't have enough faith or they are made to feel like the struggle with mental health a sin.  Some Christians are made to feel like ashamed if they admit they have mental health because there are afraid of the backlash.  I've seen people being brow bested by well intended Christians who think that if the person would just "get religion" the will be healed. 

I can remember times when I was growing up and some people would see my physical disability and would say; "Bless your heart, I'll pray for you."  Now, don't get me wrong, MY God is a HEALING God, but if I don't get healed is doesn't my faith isn't strong enough or that I'm being punished for  something.  In fact , in my case at least, I think God allowed me to be physically disabled and someone who struggles with mental health, to give Him glory  and to show what a life can look like even though it may look to be damaged by others.

My ultimate prayer is  that the church and Christians  gain understanding of people who are struggling with their mental issue it is hard to understand; because it is so personal.  Unless you're the one struggling with mental health, or you're EXTREMELY close to the person who struggling with their mental health, you can't get it.  For me, at least, I can not describe my struggles with my mental health.  Their are no words, even though it makes total sense to me at the time.  When I try to express it out loud , it sounds just as illogical to me as it does to others.  But logic and mental health don't always go together.

Christianity and Mental Health ~ Part 1

May is mental health awareness month.  I didn't know this when I thought about doing a blog series on Christianity and mental health.  I  decided to do this because I do struggle with mental health while being a Christian.  I've hidden it, denied it. lied about it, blamed others for it, blamed me, and yes, I've even blamed God for it.   I take my medicine, I pray for it to go away and I've even attempted things like banging my head against a wall to reverse it.

While praying and taking my medication helps, I cannot deny any longer that I do struggle with mental health and have for most of my life.  

I have Cerebral Palsy caused by being strangled by the umbilical cord during birth. A lack of oxygen damaged my Cerebral Cortex, which not only controls my muscles but also my emotions.  I tend to get overly emotional over most things.  I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder:

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, is a mental illness that brings severe high and low moods and changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior. ... You can think of the highs and the lows as two "poles" of mood, which is why it's called "bipolar" disorder
https://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/mental-health-bipolar-disorder

One thing that I struggle with most is the fear of not being able to take care of myself.  I'm not really afraid of being alone, but as far as being able to take care of my physical and finances, I'll probably never be too.  I know that I do have people who will take care of me.  It's a control thing.  I never considered myself a "control freak", but looking back on my life,  I can see where I was (am) a control freak.  Whether or not I can always control my emotions, when I don't take the time to breathe and pray, I'm going to go overboard every time.  However, when I take the time to breathe and pray, I can usually lessen the blow and the time that I am upset.  Unfortunately, I don't stop and do this as often as I should.

Trying to control something that is impossible to control is insane.  Albert Einstein is credited with saying; "The definition of insanity of doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.  I guess I keep expecting if I continue to have a negative reaction to a situation then it will result in a positive reaction.  Logically, I know that this scenario will never work out, but in my warped mind, I see it working as the perfect solution.

An Overview of Cerebral Cortex by Daniella Maydan

Daniella Maydan, studies at University of Michin (2021)


The cerebral cortex is gray matter that acts as the outer layer of neural tissue that covers the cerebrum (most anterior part of the brain) in humans and other mammals. It is around 2-4 millimeters thick in humans, and contains around 70% of the brain's 100 billion neurons. It is split into a left hemisphere (controls the right side of the body) and right hemisphere (controls the left side of the body), and into four different lobes: the parietal lobe, frontal lobe, temporal lobe, and occipital lobe. The cerebral cortex plays a large role in memory, attention, perception, awareness, thought, language, and consciousness.
As each of the lobes (and the cortexes located in each lobe) hold different functions, damage to the cerebral cortex can cause many different problems, depending on which part of the cerebral cortex was injured.

The frontal lobe is involved in personality, emotions, decision making, speech, body movement, and more. It contains the pre-frontal cortex, which plays a part in processing short/long term memories. The left frontal lobe is mostly involved in controlling language related functions, while the right frontal lobe is mostly involved in non-verbal functions. Frontal lobe damage has been associated with poor control of facial expression, loss of fine movements and arm strength, and interference with attention and memory. Frontal lobe injuries also commonly cause dramatic changes in social and sexual behavior.

The parietal lobe is involved in integrating sensory information; it interprets speech, controls sense of touch and pain, and is in charge of spatial and visual perception. It contains the Sensory Cortex, which receives information from the spinal cord in regards to movement and the position of various body parts, and the Motor Cortex, which helps the brain control movement. Damage to the Parietal Lobe can cause one to experience abnormalities in body image and spatial relations. Damage to the left parietal lobe can often times cause "Gerstmann's Syndrome," which can lead one to experience left-right confusion, writing difficulties (agraphia), and difficulties with mathematics (acalculia). It can also result in language disorders (aphasia) and inhibit one's ability to perceive objects (agnosia). Contrastingly, damage to the right parietal lobe can cause difficulty in self-care, such as dressing and washing oneself (contralateral  neglect), making things (constructional apraxia), and drawing. Damage to both sides of the Parietal Lobe (Bi-lateral damage) can result in "Balint's Syndrome," a disorder that causes visual attention and motor problems. Symptoms include the inability to control gaze (ocular apraxia), a deficit in integrating components of a visual scene (simultanagnosia), and trouble reaching for physical objects without visual guidance (optic ataxia).

The temporal lobe is involved in understanding language, memory, and hearing. It contains Wernicke's area, which is thought to help the body formulate and understand speech. Temporal lobe injuries can cause an array of problems relating to visual and auditory perception. Damage to the left temporal lobe can result in a  decreased recall of verbal and visual content. Damage to the right temporal lobe can result in a decline in artistic ability, such as a decline in musical and drawing skills.

The occipital lobe interprets vision (color, light, movement). It contains Broca's area, which controls the facial neurons and helps with the understanding of speech and language. Disorders of the occipital lobe can cause visual hallucinations and illusions. It can also cause the affected person to experience an abnormality in object color, and visual and writing impairments.